Harry Uranus Was Never Going To Work

I didn't have a date in high school.

If I was sitting in the audience of a movie and someone said this line on the screen while I was attempting to put 10 sour patch kids in my mouth at once, I would most definitely finish chewing said "kids" and let out a huge groan. It's become such a cliché in Hollywood that one of the main characters of any entertainment medium was seen as undesirable growing up and then turned into Rachel Leigh Cook. We get it. She wasn't all that then she met Freddy Prinze and blah blah blah now she's...Wait, what happened to Rachel Leigh Cook?

Coming next summer. She's Still All That 2: Hold the Chips.

Unfortunately, my not having a date story in high school doesn't end with making out with Freddie Prinze Jr. Maybe I meant fortunately. In either case my high school days were not as one would say, "fun." To be fair, if you categorize fun as writing down the statistics of your favorite baseball players so you can figure out their batting average WHILE THE GAME WAS GOING ON (No Internet, a TI-82 calculator, and some Hi-C. Where the ladies at? No?) fun, then I was living in a Bounce Castle filled with Mentos. The Freshmaker was so cool in the 90s.

Look it up. Not only did I not go on any dates I also never went a high school party surrounded by people named Jeff Podruski, which is what movies told me were the names of people that went to high school parties. There were two reasons for this. One, I was never invited to one. And two, I didn't know anyone named Jeff Podruski. This was a shame because I'm sure if I had friended anyone named Jeff Podruski I would have been doing keg stands and giving wedgies to undesirables.

Damn you Jeff. (Wherever you are)

I really don't care if anyone believes me because I have the audio cassette tapes of Z-100’s morning zoo to prove it. I'm not saying I recorded the show in the morning and then listened to it when I got home at 3pm while doing homework, but I’m not saying I didn’t. I always thought when I was in middle school that my high school experience would be the same as TV. Saved by the Bell, Beverly Hills 90210, Head of the Class, Welcome Back Kotter sans the weird leather jackets, but with the cool catchphrases. I knew once I got to high school I would shout out “Hey Mr. Kott-aire!" to some unsuspecting teacher and my classmates would laugh and laugh at my quick wit. Little did I know Welcome Back Kotter came out in the 70s, all the jokes had run their cycle, and no one found them funny anymore.

Thanks for being old, dad.

Even though my high school experience didn't turn out like those shows or even Boy Meets World, I still do love myself a good high school show or movie. This is why in the last month I started watching Veronica Mars. Sure, I know what you're saying. What's a Veronica Mars? Veronica Mars was a show that ran for 3 seasons on the WB/CW/ whatever and incorporated everything I like about life. Mysteries, cute girls, and high school settings. In the list of things that are perfect for me it falls somewhere between a Kool Aid making robot and red starburst.

When I was a kid I loved Encyclopedia Brown. He was solving all those mysteries in less than 10 pages and running down Bugs Meany for measly 10 cents a case. Now if you take those detective skills, put them in a cute, sassy blonde girl (Kristen Bell), and then have her be a social pariah in a high school all the while dealing with normal high school dilemmas (underage drinking, boyfriend cheating, murder of your best friend), there's only one word for that.

Narnia.

The last week or so I’ve been telling people how infatuated I’ve become with the show. The reaction ranges from, “Ugh” to “Are you a 14 year old girl” to “That’s the worst pickup line ever.” One of my friends asked me what my deal with high school TV shows is. I don’t really have an answer for that. It may have to do with never getting a high school experience that incorporated parties and girls. It may have to do with wondering it would be like to do high school-y things. It may be my gravitational pull to lockers with built in locks. I’m not really sure. I know I enjoy them, especially Veronica Mars. She always knew where the party was at even if she wasn’t invited.

She must have known Jeff Podruski.