Do the Resolution

(I wrote something for my friend Zoe Blue and am now reposting it here for a myriad of reasons which include not coming up with anything original and being too lazy to insert my cacophony of vocabulary on the western world. As you can tell I received a thesaurus for Christmas. You can stop cachinnating now! As previously seen on *Wink *Wink *Wink)


I'm not a fan of making New Year's Resolutions. To me making a resolution for the when the calendar turns is lazy. Why don't we make Flag Day resolutions? It's in the middle of the year and then you have the whole year to turn around that crippling tic tac addiction you've tried so hard to quit. I can't quit you orange tic tac! The realization is, though, that we live in a world where the quote "Why do today what can be done tomorrow" is a life motto. A quote that was uttered by the incorrigible Aaron Burr. A man who was so great at procrastination that he killed Alexander Hamilton during a duel. Why didn't he follow his own advice and wait until the next day to shoot him?

Do as I say not as I blah blah.
This is not to say that I don't make resolutions. I do. Sometimes. I tend to make resolutions throughout the year so my New Year's resolution doesn't really carry any extra weight than the others. Also, I lose track of what is a "resolution" and what is a "wish." When people ask me what my New Year's resolution is I usually say, "I want to own a casino." As has been pointed out to me many a time that is not a resolution if you're not willing to work towards it. It's a dream. I usually scoff and tell them I'm still holding out hope for that genie in a lamp. Let's all resolute for more wishes!

Rules are for losers.

When my friend asked me last week what my New Year's resolutions were I faked a coma. I don't really make any so falling on the floor was the only way to get myself out of the conversation. After she told me to stop being dramatic she rattled off 4 or 5 resolutions she had while i kept saying, "Why wait until the New Year when you can just start today?" If I didn't drive her to the restaurant I'm pretty sure she would have lit me on fire. She always has plenty of resolutions every year which always conclude with, "Get tennis lessons." When I told her I don't have any she said that I had to have one. After an interrogation session of 3 and a half hours (see: 8 minutes) she noticed that I need to have one resolution.

Be more selfish.

Normally, this would be seen as a bad thing. When you're 8 and you're selfish your mom sends you to your room and takes away your Game Boy. When you're 18 and selfish your girlfriend takes away your Playstation. When you're 34 and selfish your wife takes away half of your money. But she meant selfish in a good way. I always care how other people feel without taking my own feelings into account. As long as they feel better my mood doesn't matter. But it should. My heart has been broken before, but I always care to make sure the other person doesn't think I hate them. Even at the expense of my own feelings. In 2012 it's time to be emotionally selfish. If someone makes me feel bad I shouldn't care about them before me. It should be the opposite. So that's my resolution for the New Year. Care about me.

Or I could take tennis lessons.