Why Are Those Sleigh Bells So Loud and Other Yuletide Inquiries

Last Christmas
I gave you my heart
But the very next day
You gave it away

-Wham!

In 2011 if you asked 100 people who sings the song "Last Christmas" you would get 4 different answers. Taylor Swift, The cast of Glee, Ashley Tisdale, and an egg nog filled Uncle Bob at Christmas dinner when he found out Aunt Claire was cheating on him with the YMCA lifeguard. "I GAVE YOU MY HAAARRRT CLAIRE." I always imagine that being done in a Boston accent, but that's neither here nor there. The reality is that few people remember that the song was originally sang by a broken hearted George Michael and other guy in Wham in 1984 before the whole George Michael liking men thing all kind of snowballed into an avalanche of naughty.

See what I did there?

Don't answer that.



The song and subsequent video is a perfect take on losing a love around the holidays. Not only does George Michael attempt to rub it in this woman's face for breaking his heart (take that you whore!), he is somehow at a Christmas gathering of people where everyone has long flowing hair and when they return from outside always have a perfect patch of snow on their head that has not yet melted. After watching the video I had so many more questions. Why is George Michael at a party with someone that gave away his heart on December 26th of last year? Why does his new girlfriend wear sunglasses inside when meeting everyone else? Why do they not wear hats when they go outside in the snow? Do they not want to mess up their Vidal Sassoon haircuts? And the most important question I have is why at the end of the video does it say "Merry Christmas and Thank You?"


Thank you for relating to this song and having your heart stomped on during the holidays when everyone should be surrounded by people they love, but this year you won't be because SHE TOOK EVERYTHING.

Merry Christmas!!

To be fair I do understand why this song is popular and has been covered over 100 times by such music luminaries as Jimmy Eat World, Hilary Duff, and my new favorite band The Parenthetical girls who were once known as The Swastika Girls. (Aside: At what point in the band naming process do you even come up with the idea to name your group Swastika Girls? "Jill, so I don't think The My Little Ponies is a good enough name for us." “What about The Rainbow Brights?" "No, not hardcore enough. I have this sweet name for our band. Swastika Girls. It's so inappropriate it's appropriate." "Yeah, girlfriend, we're going to get all Third Reich in this mother." "Third, what now? I don't know what that is. “Whatever, just make sure you put 'the’ in the name because that's all the rage now." I'm sure the day they went up to their management and told them that it was just a lot of people lighting themselves on fire.) Last Christmas is a very relatable song to love lost. Everyone has been heartbroken at one time or another unless you are a robot or Bruce Jenner's face. The tune is catchy and everyone loves Christmas songs so what’s not to like about it?

How about everything?

In the spirit of Christmas this is not really a “Christmas” song. This is no dashing through the snow and guffawing in a way no human would possibly guffaw. This is no 12 days of presents that increase in absurdity from one day to the next. This is no continually looking up what a “bough of holly” is every single year. Those songs are all happy songs. There is no merriment in “Last Christmas” unless you sell Zoloft. Most Christmas songs are happy and filled with joy and talk about upbeat things. Last Christmas just shows you how cold some people can be by dumping someone on December 26th. How rude. So you took the present and then got rid of him. I feel your pain George in the heterosexual sense. Not that anyone has done that to me, but you probably put a lot of thought into that snow globe of you two holding hands. What’s your reward for that?

Dumpsville. Pop: You

The past couple weeks I’ve heard this song a lot more than previous years and every time someone says “Merry Christmas.” Merry Christmas? This is the antithesis of being merry and probably the antithesis of Christmas. Not that I know what the antithesis of Christmas would be, but I’m guess it would be getting “Last Christmas” on a mix tape or Satan’s Bar Mitzvah. Either way it’s pretty close.

“Fire and Rain” would be a great first dance song for Satan. I see you James Taylor.

I love Christmas. I love giving out presents. I love the decorations. I love the singing. I love people putting trees INSIDE of their homes for no obvious reason other than it’s the only time of year where a full size Douglas Fir by your fireplace doesn’t make you look like a tree loving hippie. I love that my dad will steal my cousin’s toy helicopter that I got him (Oh, spoiler alert) and will refuse to give it to him for at least 10 minutes because he’s having fun flying it himself which will subsequently lead to crying. I love the joy of people at this time of year. I say we keep it that way. Last Christmas is not merry. Or bright. Or even white. Look at the dinner table in the video. Let’s leave that song on the shelf for future Christmases.

We’ll bring it back for New Year’s.