Tell Me All That Voodoo That You Do That Curses Blues Clues

I don't curse. When I tell people this fact they tend to look at me like I'm from a different planet or at least this planet, but from a weird place like "Albuquerque." Let's be honest. How many people have you ever met from Albuquerque? Probably none. And if you run into someone from that city (I'm tired of spelling it out) you would have a lot of questions for them that run the gamut from, "Where's that?" to "Al Who? to "How about those adobe structures! I read it in a book! I'm literate!" With exception of the strange person telling me their literacy level, this is pretty much the same line of questioning I get when I tell someone I don't curse.

When asked for comment Beetle Bailey responded with a $*&!^@*!#
(Aside: When did cartoons decide that characters cursing would be portrayed by all those symbols? It really makes no sense at all. "So Henry, this cartoon guy is really angry and he curses because that's what people do when they get angry." "What's he angry about?" "He tripped and fell over some bubble wrap." "Was it that stupid Dagwood again?" "Shut up Henry and listen. We need to show that he curses, but he can't use curse words so what do we use?" "I don't know. Why not use an ampersand? No one uses those." "That's it Henry! You delightful dope! I shall use all the symbols no one cares to use since they are foolish! In the future no one will use an 'at' symbol or a 'pound' sign. They will become obsolete and such symbols will only be associated with this new way of writing out curse words. Oh Henry we shall be rich beyond belief!" Twitter is just one huge middle finger.)

The reason I don't curse has nothing to do with religious beliefs. Most people that don't curse fall back on the whole religion thing. What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on the bus that ran out of change so he had to beg the bus driver to take him to the next stop? Would he curse? That's the remixed version. I don't know what God would do since he's never talked to me, but if he was having a bad day since Mrs. God got mad at him for leaving the toilet seat up that morning, his Honda Accord (God is frugal) broke down, and he tripped over one of the Apostles beard trimmers in the bathroom, he might have let out an invective. He's only human.

Is he human? God is pretty complicated. I'll Ask Jeeves later.

The reason I don't curse is because I really don't like the way it sounds coming out of my mouth. The only time I ever said F--- (double aside: I think anytime anyone curses in print it should be written just like that. F---, S--T, M----r---k-r. None of the dollar sign and exclamation point nonsense. It could be a fun game to play while you're reading along. It's like Hangman for cursing. I call it Curseman.* You don't even need to start with the first letter. --c-s---e-. Brilliance. What could that word possibly be? A curse word? Something else? You can even feel better about yourself by inserting different letters. "Oh that lovely man called me a 'nice styler.' He was raised by angels.") was in 4th grade. I thought Louis Quaglia cut me in line after lunch to go back into the building so I screamed out "--C- You LOU!" I know what you're thinking and, yes, even at that young of an age I was destined to be a rap lyricist. He, of course, said "F--- You Rahul!" and I realized my lyricism was one upped by his using my two syllable name to also rhyme with "you."

I'm always the zero upper.

Since that fateful rap off on the playground, I've never said the hardcore curse words. Once in a while I'll drop a "damnnnnnnn girl you lookin' fly in this mother," or "Hell to the NAWL," but I don't really count those because I'm just trying to keep up my street cred. Not cursing does bring up some dilemmas though. One of the problems is that people tend to start acting differently around me. They'll try to not curse as much or tone it down and that's the main reason I don't like telling people I don't curse. One of my pet peeves is when people try to change how they would normally act. 92 percent of the world’s population curses. True, that is a made up statistic, but almost everyone I know does it including my parents. There's no reason to change and the fact of the matter is that I love hearing people curse. My favorite comedian is Chris Rock. One of my favorite TV shows is the Wire. I like Eminem. This brings me to the second issue.

I can't really quote any of them.

Listen, it's really awkward when you’re listening to a Kanye song with someone else in the car and you know all of the words so you want to sing along as poorly as possible and you have to say this.

That I would even show up to this fake shhhh….”
So go ahead go nuts go ape shhhh
Especially in my pastel on my bape shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”

I’M BEING QUIET OK. To go along with that point it’s impossible for me to explain a Chris Rock bit to anyone. “Yeah, so he does this thing where he says a bad word, but compares it to this other bad word, but then says bleep, bleep, bleep.” No one wants to hear that. Just like no one wants to heard “sugar,” “Fudge,” or “Cheesecake.” Cheesecake may not be a stand in for an obscenity, but sugar and fudge made me hungry. Instead of saying those words I attempt to avoid cursing all together. One of my friends has offered me $100 every year for the last 5 years to say one curse word. So far I haven’t cashed in. Is it integrity? Foolishness? No. It’s that I know he doesn’t have $100 to give me. If I said a curse word I wouldn’t get paid and that would be the travesty.

That would be a $&*!&^(#@ horrible thing.

*copyright circa right now