A Pocket Rocket Isn't Really a Rocket. Spoiler Alert.

I'm a PC. Those are words I usually say to get a chuckle when someone brings up their problems with their Macbook Pro, Macbook Air, iMacbook, and the popular selling Big Macbook Mcbook. Only 97 trillion served. The problem is that no one laughs at the "I'm a PC" line anymore. When I say "I'm a PC" people usually look at me like I have some kind of brain issue where my brain isn't "working." "What is up with your medulla oblongata?" Mac people are always using medical terms. The problem with being a PC user is that we all look like this.

That's right. We're all nerds that wear suits all the time while cool looking Justin Long is so relaxed in his slim straight jeans, hoodie, and hair that's messy enough that it looks "hip." Is it our fault that we like looking professional at all times? If that's what being a PC entails then I'll be a PC, collecting my fat paychecks from Fortune 500 companies, while all you Mac users do cool things like skateboard and paint in your mothers' basements. Never mind the fact that this ad is a complete farce because the guy they use as the "nerd" is John Hodgman, who is a correspondent on the Daily Show, does voiceover work for the Emmys, and has been on Battlestar Galactica. There is nothing nerdy about any of those things. Well, Battlestar Galactica is super Nerdville 3000, but I prefer to overlook "facts."

Thanks for submarining my point Poindexter Hodgman.

For a long time I was against buying any Apple product because people would throw in my face how awesome they were. At some point I realized it was pointless to not have an iPod so I bought one and it changed my life. I could actually listen to music now with ear buds while at the gym, walking to work, or whenever anyone I was dating would yell at me. When I was shopping for a new computer my mom told me to get a Mac because they're "so cool."

Me- "I'm more of a PC person. It's easier for me and I don't want to learn a new system."
Mom- "Don't you want to be cool?"
Me- "You can't be cool with a PC?"
Mom- "Macs are cooler."
Me- "I'm going to get a PC."
Mom- "You're boring."

THANK YOU APPLE ADVERTISING CAMPAIGN.

The iPod was as far as I was willing to go with my Apple purchasing. I wasn't going to go out and slut it up with Apple. I have standards and the walk of shame would be awkward. When I first bought a smart phone I decided against the iPhone and purchased a Blackberry. A Blackberry was the “it” phone when smart phones came out since it had email. "Email on a mobile device? STOP YOUR FOOLISHNESS." Since then the Blackberry has sunk further than Mel Gibson's sanity level. Too soon? So when I had the ability to get an upgrade I knew I had to get a new phone. I went to my computer, threw my Blackberry in the trash, and then went back to grab the Blackberry out of the trash because it was the only phone I had. Then I did it.

I got the iPhone.

Of course, I ordered it after everyone else did so it may take me 3.5 Jupiter years to get it, but I will have it. I was scared of changing, but now I will be able to do the same thing other iPhone users do which is yell at anyone else that doesn’t have an iPhone for not having an iPhone. “Oh, I thought you had an iPhone. Sucks to be you! I can play Words with Friends and you can’t! AHAHAHAHAHA!! Are you broke or something?!?! You stink. No, literally, you’re emitting an odor which is unpleasant to my nasal passages. Try Irish Spring soap.” I’ve always wanted to make fun of other people for their mobile device choices so this is a big step in the right direction. I want to be an iPhone user and be part of the clan. All iPhone users are interesting in their own way, but one group of iPhone users fascinates me.

Women.

Women are pretty fascinating to me always, but especially with their iPhones. I’ve noticed over the course of a lifetime (i.e. 8 months) many women put their iPhone in their back pocket when they’re wearing jeans. This probably paints me as some kind of pervert looking at women’s butts as they’re in front of me, but I won’t apologize. What else am I supposed to look at when someone is in front of me? The ceiling? My feet? That’s being really unaware of your surroundings and if someone were to jump out and throw ninja stars at me while I was walking down the hallway I would be caught pretty off guard if I was staring at my own feet.

Just sayin’.

I’ve never noticed women putting any other phone in their back pocket other than the iPhone. Never have I seen a Blackberry, Sidekick, or Motorola Razr in the back pocket. I don’t know if two of those three phones even exist anymore, but I haven’t seen them doing the ass lambada with any women. Why would women put a $200 or more phone in their back pocket? It doesn’t seem to make sense to me. Some reasons I’ve gotten include “it won’t fit in my front pocket,” “I don’t like the way the bulge makes my thighs look in the front of the jeans,” and “if there’s an earthquake the iPhone will actually lift up out of the back and helicopter me to safety.” That last one may have been a misquote, but it seems pretty reasonable to me.

Men have their wallets in their back pocket, but most of our wallets were Christmas presents from our Aunt Matilda. There is no significant worth there. Whoa, hold on. We could totally lose those business cards to the Mobile DJ service that we got from that wedding that one time. How will we ever find “Groovin’ 2 B Movin’ Music” if we lose our wallets?!!? Also, I’m pretty sure if you sit on your phone it’s going to break, but I’m not a scientist. The back pocket seems like the last place you want to put your phone if you’re a woman. Don’t women have to take their pants off to go to the bathroom? I’ve never been in a woman’s bathroom, but I’ve heard things. What if the phone falls out and hits the gross floor?

This seems like a very risky proposition for something that is the best thing this world has ever seen since that one guy who sliced the bread first. I don’t know what the answer is, but I think putting it in the front pocket would be fine. “Does this iPhone make my thigh look big?” could be the new question no one wants to answer honestly. Or you could be fashionable and buy a fanny pack. Women, I’m just looking out for your investments.

It's what a PC would do.