All Your Questions Answered. Except the Unanswered Ones.

I'm a pretty curious person. When it comes to things I don't understand I like to find out the answer by asking someone. Actually, that's a lie. I prefer looking it up on the truth machine also known as Google. This is mainly because I would prefer not to get a 45 minute dissertation on Occupy Wall Street when all I asked was, "Who put that wall up on Q Street?" Google doesn't talk back. When I was a kid I would do what all children did and ask my dad all sorts of questions when he was in the middle of a Good Times marathon on Nick at Nite. "DAD. Why do some people have initials and not others? DAD. How do planes fly? DAD. Why are you called a dad and also a father? DAD. If two dimensional objects have no mass attached to them then how do we assign a volume to them to make them 3 dimensional in such spaces that may not exist in the present world?"

I was in Gifted and Talented.

My dad did answer many of these questions in an appropriate way. "Go ask your mom." Needless to say mom didn't know many of the answers, but she looked up a lot of them in "Home Remedies: Volume 2." Too bad I never asked how to remove raccoon urine smell from your hair. That book nailed it.

The one question I do remember my dad answering was the one about how planes fly. He makes parts for airplanes so he has a good working knowledge about how a forceful machine can fly through the air. If he was making parts for airplanes and didn't know how planes fly I think it's safe to say our whole airline industry would be in grave danger of getting replacement parts made out of Marlboros and Coors Lights. Delicious. When my dad answers a question in depth he likes to make a drawing. The accompaniement of a drawing to the words will always enhance any explanation. When he started explaining how planes get lift and stay off the ground, even with all that weight, he drew something that brought everything into focus. He drew this.

I probably should have mentioned that my dad only draws straight lines. How this picture could ever help anyone understand how a plane flies I will never know, but in his aerospace engineer head it all makes sense. Apparently, straight lines are all you need to make a plane get in the air. That and a spare tic tac toe board for the owner's manual.

"Jerry, Jerry. We need to make a new dual flux simulator 97814 for the Boeing 747. I'm thinking something like this."
"That's just the roman numeral IV."
"Jerry, Have some decency! Look here's where it slides into the engine. Here's how it revs up. I don't have time for mindless jokes."
"Now, it looks a box around the roman numeral IV."
"A GREAT box.”

As the years have passed I realize I don't have to ask my dad many questions at all. Everything is there for me with the click of a mouse. The Internet even has these things with curved lines called circles which add much more depth to any drawing or illiterate cat websites. That doesn't mean I have run out of questions. Everyday new questions infiltrate my brain that I can't handle. They usually have to do with women, candy, or a woman made of candy, but today was different. Today, I had questions about this.

Phillip Winikoff, 81, was accused of posing as a doctor and offering free door-to-door breast exams at a Lauderdale Lakes apartment in 2006, reports the South Florida Sun-Sentinel.

On the surface that looks like a pretty self explanatory opening lede. Some old pervert got busted for trying to give your free mammo-grabs to nice neighbors. However, nothing is at is seems in Florida and this leaves a lot of open ended questions. First, it took 5 years to find this creep? What took so long? I’m pretty sure good ole’ Phil wasn’t on the run since he’s 81 and the last 81 year old I saw running down the street was ,well, no one. All 81 year olds usually do is (insert Matlock/warm milk joke).Secondly, how did Phil get into these women’s houses? It seems very shady that he could walk in for the “exam” without any credentials. Luckily, the story gives us those answers.

Winikoff even carried a little black doc bag.

“Judy, there’s a guy at the door that says he’s a doctor giving out free breast exams.”
“Does he have a stethoscope?”
“No.”
“Is he wearing scrubs?”
“No.”
“Does he have a medical degree?”
“No, but he is carrying this pretty official black doctors bag. I’m sure there’s some prescription pads and Ritalin in there.”
“Let him in girlfriend! Why didn’t you say that at first! He’s definitely a doctor.”

I understand if the woman that got fooled was around 70 or so since she probably doesn’t know better and the social security system in this country has made her numb to the numerous amount of scams out there. That I would get. But this is a 36 year old woman being fooled by an 81 year old man carrying a bag. If he was wearing a football jersey would they have assumed he was an NFL player? Eating a sandwich assumed he owned Subway? Carrying a calculator thought he was Indian? That’s ridiculous Indians do math in their head!

After I read this article I wanted to call my dad and ask him if he’s ever been fooled by someone pretending to be someone else. But then again I didn’t want him to tell me to ask my mom because asking my mom about breast exams would be pretty weird and I’m not sure it’s in Home Remedies: Vol. 2. So now I have these unanswered questions. Maybe I’ll send my dad an e-mail.

He can put a drawing in there.