Two is Better Than One Unless You Have Twins and Only Bought One Crib

(Editors Note: I couldn’t figure out how to tie these two topics together so I gave up. My mom always said, it’s not giving up if you can’t do it. Thanks Mom! So instead of one big nonsensical blog post there are two mini nonsensical ones here that make one really long post. In conclusion, reading is fun. With an emphasis on, uh, I guess fun.)

1.Ryan Gosling seems like an ok person. Yesterday the women of the Internet were all flushed with dengue fever or some sort of malady where they had to be hosed down because Mr. Gosling broke up a fight on the mean streets of Manhattan. The cries of "Oh, could he get any sexier?!?!" by women that will never get within 47 miles of him were heard throughout the land as he stopped two guys from fighting over art. Of course, they were fighting over art. An actor stopping a fight over art. How meta. Could it be any more perfect that Ryan Gosling is breaking up a fight between two guys scuffling over something they'll hang over their NYC fireplace and only point out to visitors and their parents? I'm sure after the fight subsided Gosling and the two guys sat on a Brooklyn stoop, debated the merits of the hand painted diagram in front of them while drinking Bartles and Jaymes and compared it to a New Yorker article they all read in the June 2007 edition. An all time classic edition!

Well played old chaps.

Let's be real for a second. Ryan Gosling is an attractive individual. If I didn't say that I would be considered a "hater" or drinking "haterade" or eating "Hatertots" or really replacing any word or phrase that ended in -ater and putting an "h" at the beginning. Bunch of A.C. Haters in here. I'm sure there are some women that don't find him attractive, but they are in the small minority. I know something about minorities so I feel ok saying this. We look awkward at Blink 182 shows. I'm not jealous of Ryan Gosling because he is considered good looking by 90 percent of the world's population. That whole previous last sentence was a lie. I am very jealous, but I wanted to seem humble and that I've come to grips I will never look like him. I haven't. Spoiler alert.

This one incident yesterday has somehow catapulted Ryan Gosling into a sexy stratosphere that, from where I'm sitting, only consists of George Clooney, John F. Kennedy, and Benjamin Franklin immediately after he invented bifocals. Bifocal groupies are crazy in the sack. Literally. They had sex in potato sacks back then. Not only does Ryan Gosling have the looks, is a good actor (he was excellent in an independent movie called Half Nelson. This just proves the theory if you play a teacher with a drug problem in an independent movie with the same name as an amateur wrestling move you will be a good actor. A formula we should all live by), and is now slowly accumulating secondary traits that make all women swoon. He is becoming a tour de force unseen since the last tour de force.

Hey Ryan, how about leaving some for us? No? Ok, carry on then.

Cyberspace blew up with that video. Women were throwing their panties at their computers which made work really uncomfortable yesterday. Look at that video again. It’s not like Ryan Gosling is the only one helping. Sure there’s a guy with an umbrella that may or may not be wearing heels attempting to help and failing, but at least he tried. Does he get no respect? But here comes Ryan Gosling to save the day. He was in The Notebook and now breaks up fights! HE IS SO PERFECT. Oh all of you other people helping, you can all suck it. What movies have you been in? Huh? That’s what I thought. Get off the tracks when the popularity train is coming through.

Ryan, I hope you enjoy your trip through all the women of the web. I only have one question. Need a wingman?

2. I don’t get laughing. I mean I get it in the sense I love to do it and if you can make me laugh I love being around you, but I don’t get the whole act of laughing. Why do we laugh at some of the things we do? When did laughing first start? Was there a caveman that let out a guffaw and was immediately decapitated by the talon of an eagle? I think the first person to laugh probably had it bad. He would sound like an alien, but since they didn’t know what aliens or even Steve Jobs was they probably thought the person was dying.

We all have different senses of humor. I laugh at Die Hard jokes. I laugh at videos where kids get hit in the head with basketballs. I laughed when my brother brought home a C from art class in high school and my parents thought that grade was so good they bought him new baseball equipment. Ok, I cried on that last one. But whatever. The point is we laugh at different stuff, but there’s one thing we all laugh at.

Other people laughing.

Why?!? Why do we laugh when other people laugh? It really makes no sense to do the same act another person is doing. Kids cry when other kids cry, but I mean, really? Kids are pretty dumb. We’re fully functioning adults. We shouldn’t be copying the emotions of other adults, but we still do. Take for example this video of my man crush Anderson Cooper. (Aside: Can you have a man crush on someone who potentially could have a crush on you back? Not saying Anderson Cooper would ever be into me, but he does like men so it’s a possibility. Is this just a regular crush then? What’s the difference between this and my crush on Michelle Trachtenberg? I guess because I wouldn’t ever hook up with Anderson Cooper so maybe I should just change it to “My best friend” Anderson Cooper. Facebook me Anderson!)



I watched that video and didn’t laugh at any of his puns until he started cracking up on air. I was only laughing because he was also laughing. I cannot think of anything that makes less sense except Flava Flav’s entire life. His laugh sounded like dreams and paper unicorns so that probably had something to do with it. I thought about why I was laughing and vowed to never laugh because someone laughed first. It was a great vow

Yesterday I was walking down the hallway and the mailman for our building stopped me and said, “I’m not used to seeing you walk down the hallway without a big pizza in your hand! (Insert loud laughing).” I laughed at his joke, but then I realized a few things. One, I’ve never walked down the hallway at work with a pizza. Two, Was he confusing me with an Indian pizza delivery guy? He saw me not more than one minute ago in my office. He knows I work in a non pizza delivery capacity. Three, It wasn’t funny. Nothing he said he was funny. Intrinsically, it was the least funny thing I’ve heard all year. Yet I still laughed since he laughed. It makes me wonder if all stand up comedians should laugh at all their own jokes. How could it fail?

Right Anderson Cooper?