It's So Hot Out You Could Fall Asleep When Someone Tells You About It

My mom called me the other day. This in and of itself is not a newsworthy story seeing as that my mom tends to call me a fair amount. I would say she calls me all the time, but that is hyperbole and I for one will not engage in such acts of hubris. To be fair, I had written some version of that previous sentence almost 4 months ago and wanted to squeeze it into a blog post to show how large my vocabulary is. Using big words on blogs is the writing equivalent of a big dick contest if penis size was measured in Webster's unabridged points and if big dick contests actually existed.

"Where were you this weekend?"

"Ah, you know the annual Sioux City Frank Footer Festival? I got 'honorable mention.'"

Regardless, my mom called me the other day and it was not to discuss genital regions. Normally she calls and the first words out of her mouth are some variation of a 3 word phrase such as, "How Are You?" or "Where are you?" or "Are you drunk?" Obviously, Wednesdays at 3:30pm are prime LA rage times. She must read Newsweek. This time my mom decided to mix it up and go with another 3 word phrase that was neither a question nor a statement of my inebriation.

"It's hot here."

"It's hot here" is no way to start a conversation. In fact it's the one thing you should say to someone when you don't want to talk to them. There's no rebuttal for "it's hot here." As far as I can figure there are only a few things you can respond with when someone drops that phrase grenade on you. "Ok," "Oh, really?", "Yes," or "Cool. Nope that was a joke, it's totally not cool, it's hot! ROFL LMAO LOLLERCOASTER. CAN I GET SOME?!?" I suggest using that last one when speaking to anybody about anything regardless of heat index.

It's not the first time someone has attempted to start a conversation with me by mentioning the fury of the sun on our planet. It won't be the last either. When did we start becoming a species that has no idea how to start a conversation in person or via voice box? I blame the Internet. On the internet we can say anything and it will immediately get a response from someone as long as they don't think you're an awful human being. I start most of my g-chat conversations with "yo" or the name of the person I'm talking to. Did I do this when I was 17? Doubtful. I don't recall being in college, going up to someone I wanted to talk to and screaming, "JOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEE" in their face, but that is exactly what I will write on Instant messenger.

I am gettin so hot... I wanna scream your name in your face.

That was the B -side.

It seems we've lost all conversation type skills in the past decade. Believe me if I have to trade conversation skills for DVRs, streaming video on your computer, and the ability to keep my undefeated FreeCell streak alive I will gladly make that trade. I'm not trying to go back to the days of yore and Atari here. But it's gotten to the point where I'm not sure that people actually realize that on the other end of your computer/broadband internet connection is an actual human being with actual feelings. We're not all I Robot here, flying around, eating people and then selling the bones of the eaten people to other aliens which use said bones as decorative pieces in their $1.3 billion spaceship homes with a Marsfront view. Spoiler Alert. Never saw that movie, but that's what I imagine the plot to be.

Never mind not being able to start a conversation in person; how about not being rude to the person that you're talking to? Yesterday there was an e-mail sent out where various people were added to it mistakenly. It happens. You're on a mass e-mail you don't want to be on. I don't understand how hard it is to hit "delete", but maybe some people have Frisbees for fingers and can't hit single keys. Bet they can flip a mean pancake though. You win some, you lose every other one. All that's needed in that situation is a nice e-mail saying you were added mistakenly and to please remove you. Seems like what a human being should be able to do. Not this.

"TAKE ME OFF OF THESE E-MAILS. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON THIS. YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."
Yes, l should give this person credit for knowing how to use the caps lock button, but maybe they were just hitting shift and typing each letter individually. I can’t assume they would know how a keyboard works. There is no reason to act like that. Do they not realize that it’s rude? Or have we been reprogrammed in this virtual world that we can say anything and get away with it since we don’t have to talk or see another person? Needless to say I do not take rudeness well so I did what any solid American citizen would do.

I BCC’d them on every subsequent e-mail.

So it looked like they were off the e-mail, but really I was adding them back in. This went on for 5 more e-mails before they asked again to be removed again. Then they thought their computer was broken. After that I felt bad and removed them completely and went on with my day. Score one for the decent human beings of the world. I felt better about myself and went out to conquer the day.

I want to start meaningful conversations with strangers not about the weather, but about things people have opinions on such as if Lykke Li was British would she have the radio play and burgeoning career like Ellie Goulding does? I mean they are both talented female vocalists with some sass, but Americans tend to favor British acts. I want to ask someone that and have them stare at me and say, “Who?” Conversation started. Then we could be best friends.

Unless they tell me it’s hot.

I’ll call my mom instead.