This is How We Don't Do It

There's a popular cliché that when describing something that you can't turn away from that states "It's like a train wreck, you want to look away, but you can't." I'm not sure who exactly started that cliché, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't anyone from Amtrak. "Norm, got a great slogan for the company, 'Amtrak - Train wrecks you can count on.'" I'm no different than most people. I like watching a good controversy or a good scandal of some sort unfold in front of me. It's a little masochist to get entertainment witnessing a person's life unraveling, but I like my scandals like I like my women.

Hot and Awkward.

If you're as interested in scandals as me, then we're lucky to be living in the here and now. Welcome to 2011, The Land of Plenty...Of Sex. I'm sure in the 60s and 70s there was plenty of time spent in Bonetown, but none of that was broadcast to the miscreants that wanted that info. TMZ wasn't around to blow up our spots with a grainy cell phone picture of plumber’s ass. Stuff was kept in house and Jimi Hendrix's run of sleeping with 185 women in 28 hours wasn't included in the Guinness record book since no witnesses came forward.

Sex pun.

Now we have everything we could have ever wanted and most of this is coming from the greatest place on Earth. The government. A movie star/governor having a love child with a nanny that is 734 times less attractive than his wife. Congress people taking their shirts off and sending rod reels to women across the planet. Some guy with nice hair cheating on his wife with cancer, lying about it, and then having a child with the mistress all the while being indicted by a Grand Jury.

USA! USA! USA!

This whole Anthony Weiner nonsense of the past week has really got me involved in the political process. Quick refresher. Weiner mistakenly tweets a picture of his package in boxers to a woman. He quickly deletes it, but not before thousands of sexual deviants retweet it with the phrase "ZOMG, look at what Weiner did! LOLZCATSTOTHEMAX". Weiner then gives the vaguest of denials with the response of "Maaaayyybe, those are my boxers. I can't say. I shop at Old Navy for the deals." A week goes by, pictures of now a shirtless torso emerge which all could have been denied by Weiner if not for the fact that in the background are framed pictures of Weiner and Bill Clinton shaking hands alongside other photos.

Not pictured: Clinton noddingly approving of Weiner's actions.

Aside from Representative Weiner's unfortunate name marring this salacious news, it's obvious he has no idea how anything works. (Aside: If your name is Weiner, Bader, Dick, Mehoff, Boner Stabbone, Cockington Smith, or Clammy Clamperson you should have realized at an early age that taking pictures of the genitalia region should have never happened. You've spent your whole life trying not to be sucked into the vortex of penis and vagina jokes so why give the extra fodder. If I was Anthony Weiner I would just cover my scrotum with a glass jockstrap and the words, "Break in case of emergency, i.e. getting some." and then put it back on.)The fact that he was careful enough to take pictures without his face, but not turn around the pictures is ridiculous. Are men this stupid?

Yes.

It's almost virtually impossible to send naked pictures, sexts, dirty voicemails and not get caught nowawadays. Technology is so advanced that everything is monitored. You think a guy would have seen what happened to Tiger Woods and therefore would have dotted his i's and crossed off his p's. But no, instead he thought it would be a great idea to send this info to various women. Has he not heard of the Internet? THEY WILL SHOW SOMEONE THE PICTURES. What exactly was going through his mind when he was sending them other than “Man, I’m really horny?”

“Yeah, yeah, I mean I don’t KNOW these women, but they won’t betray me. I’m just trying to get mines. She is so hot, I gotta do it, gotta do it. Junk pic time. Yeah, this is so gonna work. DOING IT.” I understand if some regular person like me would do it because who cares? No women is going to be able to turn those pictures into straight cash homey unless there was a website titled, “Things no one wants to see.” I’m not condoning what Weiner did. He obviously betrayed his family and ruined the trust of the people who voted for him. But there has to be some common sense if you’re going to attempt to cheat on your wife. All that was missing was a phone call on speaker phone while he and his wife were going out for their anniversary.

The “Wasn’t Me” balloon was a nice touch.

While I’m elated for the entertainment factor, I’m embarrassed for him in this whole saga. He lies, he gets caught lying, he has to admit he is a moron when it comes to photography, and then he has to start crying in public. It’s all unraveled for our main man Anthony Weiner. At one point he was just a guy that got voted to something that 98 percent of America didn’t care about. Now he’s a guy who failed Photo 402 – Introduction to Glamour Shots. Too bad. He could have just been another nobody that was somebody.

What a train wreck.