Politeness Is Something That Can Be Rude. Vol. 41

The other day I was watching that cringe worthy movie starring Ashton Kutcher with Natalie Portman for reasons that cannot be explained to me right at this moment. There's one scene in this formulaic romcom where the character that is Kutcher's muse and best friend goes on a date with the roommate of Portman's character. It is usually at this point I would have put in a spoiler alert, but if you watch the first ten minutes of this movie and don't recognize that relationship forthcoming then you're probably not a human being.

When Kutcher's bff (I would put names in, but I literally have no idea what the actor's name or the character's name is and have no interest in looking it up for fear of being pulled into the vortex of IMDB facts and goofs) pulls up to the valet he runs out and opens the passenger door of his date. She gleefully screams that no one has ever done that for her before and makes him do it all over again. In cinematic lore it's probably a scene that ranks in memorability somewhere between the girls taking a dump in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle and all of The Postman.

That mail should have never been delivered.

Of course, No Strings Attached was showing that men CAN be chivalrous. Never mind the fact that most of the time a a valet opens the passenger side door even before the car is stopped making the valet in this movie the laziest valet of all time. One of the mantras of women is that men aren't chivalrous. No one opens doors anymore. The toilet seat is always up. We "forget" to buy condoms.

Condoms? The store ran out of them. Must be National Sex Night. AGAIN.

I typed the phrase "Chivalry is Dead" into the Google and out of the first 10 results 4 links try to find out if it is, 4 of them directly blame women, one tries to define chivalry and one is Dave Chappelle doing a skit. I only clicked on one of those, but let me tell you one thing. Chivalry is hilarious! Anyway, I don't know if chivalry is dead or not because I have no idea how to define it. Nor do I have the resources to interview every man in America to see if he opens the door for every woman at every place doors are located.

Known fact. Chivalry is dead at Doors Warehouse.

I'm of the opinion that chivalry is kinda dumb. Now before this turns into a Cosmo man hating forum with less sex talk and more references to Taylor Lautner's abs, I would like to say that I participate in some chivalry. I open doors for women, I put the toilet seat down, I pay on dates, I walk on the outside of the street, and I always walk a woman to her car after adult relations. That last one is mainly so I can beg for her to actually have sex with me again in a public forum. Hard to be mean with people around.

Chivalry in small doses is fine and good, but there are some times when it gets creepy. Women, let's be honest with each other. If you're with a guy and he is hopping over the hood of his car to open your door before you do, that's weird. Maybe some women give him points for turning into Bo Duke, but he most likely is missing one brain cell. The good one. The worst chivalrous act is that whole notion of a man putting his coat on a puddle for a lady to walk over. This has to be the most ludicrous example of someone being chivalrous.

COATS AREN'T CHEAP.

At what point did putting a coat over a puddle for a woman become chivalrous? I would like to know the first person that ever did that so I can backhanded slap him with a glove and challenge him to a duel. First things first, your coat is getting wet. Secondly, if someone put their coat on the ground for me to walk over a puddle my first thought wouldn't be "Oh, that's sweet", it would be "That is the dumbest thing I've ever seen. Thirdly, it won't help the matter at all. If it's a deep puddle then maybe you can carry her, a coat is just going to sink into the puddle and make a mockery of the chivalrousness of puddle coating. It's egotistical to think your coat will stop a woman from getting her Manolo Blahniks ruined.

So what's your coat made of? Concrete...and love.

So men, it's ok to be chivalrous once in a while, but there's no need to go overboard. One day you can pick up her laundry. Then you can maybe fold her laundry. Then possibly do something else with laundry that would make a woman feel better about having to wash clothes. Whatever it is don't go big on the chivalry. It's the little things that count. Keep your head high and your coat dry. That was actually a deleted lyric to Lionel Richie's "Hello". He thought it was too obvious. If you're going to keep a woman out of a puddle I have better advice.

Don't go outside. That's where the rain happens.