Heartbreak Hotel: A Story of One Man's Struggle With a Snack Attack

While I was growing up my mom loved to stack our cupboards with individually wrapped snack options. With 2 young boys she figured the American dream was to let your kids get fat on pre packaged snacks that had no relevance to vegetables. Potato chips, Chocolate chip granola bars, Fruit Roll Ups or its delicious sibling Fruit by the Foot, it didn't matter. If it came in a portion that could easily fit into a brown paper bag or superman lunchbox she was all over it like a frat boy re-upping his supply of GHB before it got too low. (Too Soon?) I, for one, thank her. Without this utter laziness in buying groceries I wouldn't have met my first true love. Doritos.

I'm sure many teenage boys grew up loving Doritos. What's not to love? A tiny size crunch of chip that with each bite exploded in your mouth like a mini pizza would. As soon as the last chip was devoured you would tilt your head back and drop the crumbs remaining in the bag into your mouth not unlike funneling oil into your stereo less Geo Metro. When you thought all hope was lost just look at your hand. ALAS! Cheese dust residing on your fingers so when you finished the bag the remnants were not gone. Oh no. You could look at your fingers, lick them in cat like fashion, and savor every last drop of processed debauchery onto your tongue for now you had conquered the mighty Doritos. BOW DOWN TO YOUR GOD.

I didn't kiss any girls until I was 17.

From the ages 10-17 I had one of those mini size Doritos bags 4 times a week. In your mind I'm sure you're thinking, "Oy, this is boring", and then "Wow, that's a lot of Doritos, he must have been chubby." FLASHBACKS. Anyway, I ate a lot of Doritos. I ate so many Doritos that I turned into a Dorito. I lied, I didn't turn into a Dorito because that is one of the most ridiculous threats any parent levees on their kid. "Hey Johnny, if you keep eating all those cookies you'll turn into a cookie so stop eating them." Just a little PSA. You can't turn into an inanimate object. There is no proven scientific way that I will turn into a various food item that doesn't breathe or have a heartbeat. Lasagna isn't just walking around in the park, swinging around on the monkey bars. Let's get real parents and have some better threats. This is an insult to the children and public education system we have in place in this country. Stop being idiots.

Parents just don't...never mind.

I was so hooked on Doritos that I once stole a bag from a local 7-11. I am not proud of this fact, but I feel like the statute of limitations is now up on this case so getting it off my chest would be the best remedy. And if I may, ahem, it was an ingenious theft plan. I walked in found a bag of chips, opened them, started eating them and then walked up to the counter while buying something else such as a 99 cent Arizona Iced Tea. The cashier is always so preoccupied that they just ring you up for the one item not noticing you're stuffing your face with sweet sweet heaven. I'm not condoning stealing, but if you were to steal I suggest following the above tips. One 99 cent iced tea later and I have myself a free bag of nacho cheese chips. I have never stolen again.*

*may or may not be true

I'm a simple man. When someone asks me what kind of pizza I want I say "Cheese". When someone asks me what I want on my burger I say "Cheese." When someone asks me to smile I say "cheese." Now that I think about it I may also have a cholesterol problem. Regardless, because of my simplicity and lactose tolerance I always went for the tried and true Doritos Nacho Cheese option. The only other option I remember growing up was the blue bagged "Cool Ranch", but I didn't wear leather jackets and have my hair slicked back so I thought I would be a poser eating those.

Doritos - Giving everyone blue bags since 1986

As I got older I started eating a lot less Doritos since I wanted to live past the age of 19 so I could at least attempt to creep women out at parties. It was around that time that Doritos started putting out new flavors. I paid it no mind until last week. I was walking through the supermarket and wanted to relive my youth when men were men and women were still suffraging. I decided to pick up a bag of Doritos to enjoy when I looked up and saw things I cannot unsee.

Late Night Doritos.

What was happening here? There was stuff I'd never heard of. Salsa Verde Doritos, Blazing Buffalo, Pizza Supreme. WHO NEEDS A SUPREME PIZZA? IT'S ALREADY SUPREME. After seeing those I then saw the Late Night Doritos. What does that even mean? Are you only allowed to buy them after 10pm? If you attempt to purchase them in the afternoon will the cashier punch you in the medulla oblongata? (Medical reference) Doritos is now producing so many flavors that some of their flavors are only references to time.

"So, yeah, we've run out of flavor ideas, but people are dumb enough to buy anything. Anyone with thoughts?"

"Greenwich Mean Time Doritos in the house!"

Apparently, at some point I had gotten older and hadn’t taken note of the Doritos machine churning out ideas. It wasn’t just a nacho cheese chip anymore with its cool ranch sidekick. It was now 85 flavors which included something called Doritos First Degree Burn. Yes, I would love a bag of Doritos, but first let me check that my medical insurance covers self inflicted snack pack harm. WHAT IS THAT DEDUCTIBLE LIKE?!?! I’m sad. I didn’t get a bag of Doritos because I couldn’t find the original anywhere. It was like going to the rental store, looking for Planet of the Apes with Charlton Heston and only seeing Mark Wahlberg’s goofy face staring at you. Now, I’m being told rental stores don’t really even exist. Thanks for taking that from me too, Mark Wahlberg.

I never thought the day would come, but my love affair with Doritos is over. We had some good times, some better times, and some best times, but like everything it must come to an end. I bid you adieu my nacho cheese like substance friend.

I wonder what Fruit by the Foot is up to.