Another Tie? Questions For Our Future

My friend, Laurenne, (whose blog is très excellente, which means 3 excellent? I don't know. I'm not a translation machine.) asked me if I was writing a Father's Day post. I already did. Last year. Why does Father's and Mother's Day happen every year? They already have Birthdays and Christmas so we can buy them that cheap necklace that was on sale at Nordstrom or their 42nd neck massager from Sky Mall. When is "Children's Day"? Where's my "World's Greatest Son" mug? Sure it would be awkward for my brother if I got one, but in life we have to make tough choices. Look at Lincoln. He chose Emancipation. Now we have a statue of him sitting down.

So in honor of my father who also likes sitting down all the time, I decided to recycle last year's post about Father's Day. The recycling of the post has nothing to do in honoring my dad except that he's been wearing the same New York Jets sweatshirt for 17 years. I figure that means he likes recycling. I went a long way for that analogy so enjoy this post.

My dad taught me a lot of life lessons growing up. With Father’s day upon us on Sunday I’m grateful for all the things he has taught me. He taught me that if you’re not 5 minutes early, you’re late. He taught me the proper way to mow the lawn. He’s taught me that American clichés are not ”A bird in the hand is worth two birds”, and “Patience is a …thing you must have.” These are important things to get out of your relationship with your father, otherwise you’re just going around all willy nilly trying to cut grass with scissors and catching birds all the time. I don’t have time for these things. Because of these lessons I now have time to listen to Dookie by Green Day for the 1st time since 1997. Retro Rewind!

I own it on cassette.

The one thing that my father instilled in my brother and I growing up was that we should always take care of our cars. Wait, actually make that two things. He also reminded us that we weren’t white. It’s a good thing he did because every time I looked into the mirror before age 9 I saw Macaulay Culkin. And we all know how he turned out. Wait, I’m being told he’s been dating Mila Kunis for 8 years. DAMN YOU DAD. That could have been me! Why couldn’t you let me live these lies?!?! On the other hand he did fool some robbers and got stung by bees. So plus 2 for him.

Bees + Cheese Pizza = Mila Kunis.

That’s math I can get behind.

Back to the whole Fathers teaching you blah blah blah. Ok, so my dad would always berate my brother and I if we didn’t have at least a half tank of gas in the car or get it regularly maintained because the better you take care of your car the longer it works well and the less money you spend in the future. Makes sense. After he explained that to us, I then asked him how long the interior of the car lasts when it’s filled with Marlboro cigarette butts and golf tees that his car was always filled with. I got grounded. I’M JUST ASKING A QUESTION OLD MAN. Then I got grounded again for saying that out loud. Grounded for the same thing twice? This is the worst judicial system in the country. The Court of Parent. I object. Hearsay. Conjecture. Another word they use on Law and Order.

Because the voice of my dad rings in my head from time to time I take my car to checked often. (My inner dad voice sounds like Speedy Gonzalez most times. Arriba! Aside: Let’s say someone came up to you with this idea in present day for a cartoon. “I got it. We take a mouse. He’s Mexican. We throw a sombrero on him. He’s really fast. He says things like 'Arriba' and talks with an insanely thick Mexican accent in broken English. Then to top it off when he talks about other characters he calls them “gringos”. Oh I forgot the best part, all of his friends are really lazy and drunk the whole time.” How long before someone sues you or boycotts your show? 30 seconds? 46? Italian Americans are hating on the Jersey Shore. And those people really exist! This just goes to show how much better the 50s and 60s were. Smoking indoors, doing the twist, fast talking mice. No wonder Marty went back there in Back to the Future. It was Utopia)

I hate taking my car to get checked. People wonder why their cars break down all the time and are unusable. It’s because when you get your car checked it’s always more than you expect. I blame mechanics for cars breaking down more often. That’s right. I blame the people fixing the car for making cars worse. Conspiracy theory! I took my car to get an oil change yesterday and instead of the sweet $21.99 oil change deal, I left there with a bill of more than $100. People hate hate hate taking their cars to mechanics because it’s never easy. It’s never, oil change out. It’s always oil change and rear hyper conglomerate fan belt waxing pistons need more work.

Piston waxing is destroying America. One wax at a time.

So thanks to my dad, mechanics are making a pretty penny off of me. Money I could be using to buy new things. Like..um..what’s that thing called that heats up food in 2 minutes or so? Micro, something or other. I could buy a new one of those. Instead all my money is donated to fixing a Honda. Not even American. So on Father’s Day I would like to say, “Thanks Dad, you owe me $22,152, with interest."

And Mila Kunis.