My Other Brother's Mother's Brother Was A Smothers Brother

My mother is a fine woman. She is a 4'10" tower of power if countries actually built energy towers that were less than 5 feet. Her favorite show is the Amazing Race because she likes countries. She thinks that Texas is west of California. She only listens to Indian music in the car. If there's an earthquake anywhere in the world she calls to make sure nothing fell on my head. She pluralizes words by adding an -s to anything regardless of any grammar rules. Foot becomes foots, fish becomes fishes and Michael Jackson becomes the King of Pops. Her favorite director is M. Night Shyamalan because well, yeah. (Aside: When I was first looking for a job out of college, my mom told me to call M. Night Shyamalan because in her own words, "He's Indian, you're Indian, it will be easy!" I'm positive this is also how the Johnson and Johnson Company got started. "We're both named Johnson. This cannot fail.")

My mother is a devoted supporter of her two kids. Her mantra has always been, "do whatever makes you happy" followed by a strict qualifier. Up until age 28 the qualifier of "do whatever makes you happy" was "as long as you get married." Once, I got to 28 the qualifier has changed to "as long as you buy a house." Somewhere along the line having sex with one woman forever changed to owning a home. Finally my mom realizes that money can buy you a woman.

Money can't buy happiness. But it can buy Destiny. She works at the Lucky Lady. Lunch buffet.

It's great to have a parent that supports you. I've heard plenty of conversations with friends about how their parents hate on everything they do, but I never had to deal with that so I realize how lucky I am. My mom is SO over the top supportive that I try to push the envelope to see how far she will go because I am an awful person.

Me- "MA! Do you know how much drug dealers make? They can take home like over $100,000 tax free! I'm thinking about quitting my job to try it."

Mom- "Is that illegal?"

Me- "Not if I don't get caught. Most people on The Wire don't get caught."

Mom - "As long as you're happy, dear. BUT I do not want you living on a wire! You need to own your own place. You're getting old."

Me- "No, not a wire, but, never mind. So you're ok if I deal drugs as long as I have a house?"

Mom- "If that's what you want to do I won't stop you. But remember BUY A HOUSE. Also make sure you put money away in your company's 401K when you do this dealy thing."

My mom's total disregard of HBO television programming aside since she is so supportive people tend to take advantage of that. Ok, only person does that. My younger brother. My brother was the exact opposite of me growing up. He had a ton of friends in high school. He drank. He got bad grades. He was commended for getting an A in gym class. I think he threw chocolate milk at the principal during a school assembly. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm bitter because I am. What a waste of chocolate milk. No respect. In high school he was hanging out at cool parties while when I was in my room listening to sports radio and organizing my closet by color.

Color Wars + Me = no friends.

My brother was either a mad genius or the dumbest person ever. I hesitate to give him the benefit of the doubt because this is the same person that drew all over the walls in his room in crayon in a pattern only John Nash could understand. If John Nash was illiterate. He played Tic Tac Toe games against himself. And lost. He owned a framed Mickey Mouse poster that was signed by Goofy. But he had some innate sense that he wasn't going to get in trouble because my mom supported his Da Vinci reenactments on his wall. "Honey, maybe he just needs a creative outlet? Art is good for him." My dad would yell at him while my mom would be happy because he was doing something that he enjoyed.

I would get jealous because my mom would be so positive. I should have been doing that stuff! I should have got arrested in Philadelphia for being underage and drunk. (He was having a good time). I should still be living at home. (He is figuring out his life.) I should have hit my extremely handsome older brother in the head with a collectible baseball bat and he thought he was dead. (He was practicing his swing.)

Justice is best served upside the head.

There's probably a line to my mother's undying endorsements, but if my brother hasn't found it yet maybe it doesn't exist. What if I robbed a bank? Murdered someone? Told Ganesh I hated his 4th arm? Would that be it? I would like to see my mom get mad once and not because Blockbuster ran out of Slumdog Millionaire. (I think that is what you kids call "crap".) I know she has it in her. One day it will happen.

Probably after I buy a house.