It's Like Jazzy Jeff once said, Parents Just Don't Comprehend the Magnitude of the Situation

(Note: if you have www.yourbeardisgood.blogspot.com in your google reader, change it to www.yourbeardisgood.com. (we're a .com now). I noticed it may not be updating and people think I died. This is your final warning. I lied. It isn't. I'm just vain and want to keep readers)


I have pretty good parents. That statement would carry some weight if it wasn't coming from a kid that grew up in the Jersey suburbs who's definition of good is the ability of his parents to buy him Nintendo games. I think my parents did pretty well with my brother and I considering they weren't born in this country and eat without utensils 82 percent of the time. My parents weren't perfect, of course. When my mom wasn't forgetting signing my permission slip for a field trip, my dad was making me cry for wanting to be white and drinking Coors light out of a pickup while watching baseball practice.

Coors Light + Baseball + Yelling = Team America.

Nevertheless, I would quantify my parents as good parents. Not everyone grows up with good parents, I know that. I'm lucky because I have two parents that cared about their children. Some people grew up with only one parent or no parents or a grandparent or two dads that didn't have a DNA test done to see who's daughter she actually was leading to hijinx in a some kind of penthouse apartment complex.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Two Dads Mean No Moms.

All that being said there's a lot of bad parenting going on in the world. I know, I'm all of a sudden the expert on parenting even though little children make me vomit and teenage kids make me cross the street because I don't want an atomic wedgie or their barbs about my New Balances. THEY'RE VERY COMFORTABLE. I'm fragile, leave me alone. Rat kids. Anyways, I think bad parenting is like pornography. We know it when they're naked. No. Please No. We know it when we see it. I don't know who said that, but I'm pretty sure it was someone that loves Porn. Snoop Dogg most likely.

In any case, this past week I've seen a lot of bad parenting in the news so I wanted to start a new feature on Your Beard is Good called "Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle." A hilarious take on two pot smoking college kids and their quest for White Castle hamburgers. In an inane twist one is Korean and one is Indian. Non stereotypical stoners. Put that in your bong and smoke it, Hollywood. James Franco, looking in your direction. But since that idea was done in 1999 I'm stuck with this parenting angle.

AWFUL PARENTING VOL. 1. The news networks went crazy this week because a video went viral of a 6 year old girl being patted down by the TSA. Matt Lauer and his cronies cried out, "Have we gone too far" with our security measures at airports. Whatever. I'm not here to talk about that, I'm here to talk about the Selena Drexel and her doctor husband going on all these morning shows to complain about it because "Frisking is inappropriate for children because they're usually told not to let adults touch them in sensitive areas."

WHAT.

Listen mom, do you know why we have these measures in place? Because some kooky terrorists decided to hijack airplanes and kill innocent Americans. Some people are outraged because why should we pat down children when they aren't going the ones with bombs and other things? Well, maybe someone should point those people to these articles.

2003 - Children and teenagers between the ages of 11 and 18 have over the past few months carried out suicide and other terrorist attacks in which innocent Israeli civilians have been killed and injured.

2009- Two hundred schoolchildren in Britain, some as young as 13, have been identified as potential terrorists

2008 - Peru children are increasingly used by organized crime networks for drug trafficking, says a Lima-based child’s rights organization. There are hundreds nay thousands more of those articles. I would link every single one, but I have a life that includes making oatmeal since I'm hungry. So why is this bad parenting? BECAUSE YOUR CHILD WAS NOT GROPED. You should be explaining to your kid why they're doing this and for what reason. Not telling them the TSA lady is groping them. Did you watch the video? The TSA member calmly tells the little girl what's going to happen. She doesn't shove her fingers where they don't belong.

As Americans we've lost rights since 2001 for safety reasons. I don't know if I agree with all measures, but everyone should be treated equally. I've been stopped at the airport and my bags searched for the most ridiculous reasons. "Your pen looked suspicious", "your socks looked like you had something stuffed in them," "Your shirt had a monkey on it and monkeys can be causing viral outbreaks if let loose even cartoon ones." How about you teach your kids that they're not above the law? To treat people with a modicum of respect? Not go posting on You Tube that your kid got wrongly frisked when it's not true. Then buy them a popsicle. Or this magical dreamsicle which I first found out about two weeks ago. Dreams in a popsicle? I'll take the Martin Luther King one.

What's next? Unicornsicle?

You think that lady wanted to pat down that kid? Of course not. As a parent it is your duty to explain why things are happening. You don't go on Good Morning America and cry about it because it happened to your kid. I didn't see Selena Drexel and family getting all upset when it was happening to other kids. GTFO. Try being a brown person. If there is an injustice, then it is your right to complain. There is nothing egregious here. Kids are used to traffic drugs. To smuggle bombs. I understand it is less than one percent, but so was hijacking planes and flying them into a building. Terrorists are above nothing except shaving. They hate Barbasol which leads me to believe we would get info out of Al Qaeda if we shaved them instead of waterboarding.

We have Gillette and we're not afraid to use it.

My parents taught me to be respectful. It is only appropriate to complain when you've been wronged. Everyone gets patted down. Sorry. You can blame Muslim Extremists for that. Now your child thinks she's been wronged when nothing was done wrong at all. She wasn't arrested for anything. She wasn't accused of something she didn't do. She has to go through what I and millions of other Americans have had to go through for 10 years. Get over yourself. What does Selena Drexel say when her daughter goes to the doctor? Isn't an adult touching them in a sensitive area? Is she going to put that on You Tube too?

Breast Exams only.

We live in an age where I'm right and you're wrong even if you're right. These laws were put in to make our skies safer. Maybe, I don't know, tell your daughter that. Or just upload it to You Tube and complain an injustice that didn't happen has happened and not be a good parent. It's all the same.

Maybe I should have done the Harold and Kumar bit.