Don't Want Tan Lines So I Use This Banana Boat, Found This Quaker Oat In My Fancy Feast Burlington Coat

Last week I was watching a new episode of Gossip Girl, seeing as it was 9pm on a Monday, when a commercial came on for Morgan Spurlock's new documentary, "Pom Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold." At first, I was really mad because I forgot to fast forward and then I was more upset since no actors that were 28 were playing 17 year old Upper East Side pretentious douchebags in that commercial.

The CW, the channel no one watches.

I watched the ad and immediately ran online to clear out my Internet browser history of all the Pornhub sites I visited in the last week and to read an interview with Spurlock. Basically ,the movie is a way for Spurlock to show that an entire movie can be funded with branding and companies throwing obscene amounts of cash not seen since Dr. Dre was making it rain at Club Supersexx in Montreal in 1993. In every interview Spurlock has done he's made it a point to show how much he hates product placement in movies and TV shows and to illustrated what the point of the movie was.

"So we just started talking about all those terrible placements, and then we thought, "What if we made a movie that kind of ripped open the whole world of product placement, marketing and advertising, and got companies to pay for it?" So really, out of that conversation, it was like, "Oh, aha! Ding!" You know, that was the moment. "

I'll be honest. I don't really care about selling out. I think everyone should sell out at some point. If Satan walked up to me (which I've been told by movies doesn't happen and he/she just randomly shows up at your apartment to take your soul) and offered me money for this blog I would take it. I think that's called being real. Satan's Beard is Good has a pretty decent ring to it. I'm guessing the point of this movie is to show anyone can take money and companies will shove money at anything they think people will see. If that's the point then well done because I have made a major discovery this week.

Dinosaurs are dead.

Is this even news? Or a movie? If he was railing on companies for doing something terrible then fine, but by all accounts he didn't really even do that. He kind of just ran around begged for money and made a 2 hour commercial. If I wanted to see a 2 hour commercial I would go to a NASCAR event or turn on Telemundo on a Saturday morning. Movies and TV are obvious in their marketing because we can see them. Everything Americans watch has a product placed in there, but Spurlock missed the one place where advertising has taken over our world.

Rap Music.

My parents never let me listen to rap music growing up because one time O.P.P. came on the radio and my dad said we couldn't listen to that "trash." “But dad, why is he down with Other People’s Property? Maybe he’s a repo man?” Being a good son and honorable American I disobeyed him and started listening to rap. When I got to college I did what every college kid did and started listening to Nelly's album "Country Grammar". He had a band aid on his face! But he wasn't bleeding! That's so gangster.

What a hero.

Nelly followed up his album battling illiteracy in the United States with "Nellyville" in 2002. An album so good that it dedicated one whole song to singing about Nikes. Maybe it was because the Internet wasn't as a big deal back then and people were too busy trying to figure out what the hell a Yahoo was, but I don't remember one person making a stink about this. Nelly wrote a 4 minute commercial that not only increased sales of something called "Air Force Ones" , a sneaker created by Nike, but also went to number 1 on the Billboard rap charts. Number 1. It was the best advertisement of 2002. That included the Whats Up Guys, but did not include that stupid horses kicking a football.


At least with sponsorships in movies and TV people are getting paid. Rappers are doing this for free! I've done extensive research (see:35 seconds) on whether or not Nelly got paid to do a song about Air Force Ones and found nothing. Yet this hasn't stopped rappers from promoting their favorite brands in songs. We hear a ton of songs about Benz's, Maybachs, and Ferraris. You think people would cash in on this, yet the only person to my knowledge that has made one dime on promoting a brand in a rap song is Skee-Lo when he finally get some much needed attention to the Baseball Rabbits Stuck In Hats Union.

F You Trix Rabbit.

Morgan Spurlock would like us to think that everyone is selling out, but aren't rappers doing the opposite of selling out? They're selling in. That should be a documentary, not that some kid is drinking a Sprite in a show with 2 uncles helping raise 3 daughters even though one of the uncles isn't related and does weird voices that people only hear in stories that end with "On the Next Dateline."

How Rude.

Throughout time rappers have brought up various companies and products and 2011 is no different. Lil Wayne has a song out where this first line is "Uh, Fiji water granddaddy purp". Why his felonious grandfather needs bottled water I’m not sure, but maybe he’s trying to be healthy. And no Lil Wayne doesn't stop there .He mentions Fiji Water again and to top it off drops in a reference to Planters Peanuts. Planters Peanuts! Have they ever been cool? They have a peanut dressed in a top hat and monocle that is naked as a mascot. The last time that costume was cool was at my uncle’s wedding during an interpretive dance session celebrating “life.” Planters should be giving Lil Wayne 95 percent of the company for making them seem hip. Rappers are the realest people on the planet.

I'm writing a rap about Jello Pudding Pops.