The Opposite of Like is Dakota Fanning

I really do not like the word "hate." That probably means you can reduce that sentence to I hate the word hate, but then I really wouldn't like that sentence and I'm sure that qualifies as "meta" or something or other. Now that we have all these social media outlets everyone hates everything else. Things people on Twitter in the last 3 hours "hate" include: the Starbucks barista, tanlines, haters (irony!), turtles, Home Alone 3 (valid reasons), traffic jams, hoes (can't turn a ho into a housewife, hoes don't act right! I would hate that too), math, autocorrect on your iPhone, "wen rappers like him say dey rap real Hip Hop", and, of course, Rebecca Black.

Never bet on Black.

When I typed "hate" into Twitter Search the results came in faster than I could refresh. People hate EVERYTHING. Hate is such a strong word to use however. Webster's dictionary defines the word hate as, "a verb meaning to hate something." I thought that was odd since they were using the word to define the word, but then I realized I didn't go to Webster's dictionary at all and made up the definition myself. I don't have time to be looking things up in your books and your fact checking binders. All of this is not to say I'm in love with everything, there are some things I do not like, but I try not to use the word hate unless it is warranted or someone has besmirched my name in an Internet message board and tried to take me down by making personal attacks on my appearance and personality.

Never post on the Hot Topic message board. It's brutal out there for a conformist.

Last week I told a story at the Taboo Tales show in Los Angeles. The first thing I did was go to the bathroom. After that I looked at the program to see what bio said and if it included a picture of me looking at my best. That picture would have been taken in March of 1988 because I have gotten worse looking since that date. The worst part of having pictures with dates in them is that you know the exact time that you peaked. You can't fake it. I peaked in March 1988. I was adorable. THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

I was 7 and a half. It's been a rough 23 years.

Anyway, here is what my bio said, "Rahul HATES Dakota Fanning, but cannot explain why. For $25,000 he might laugh at a Margaret Cho joke, but he hates her too. He's not a misogynist, but he also hates if you're a woman."

Whoops.

Now 2 of those 3 things are true. The one that isn't is that I actually love women. The problem is women don't like me. Cue violin. End Scene. That's not the issue; creative license is always encouraged when writing up bios. What made me think was seeing the word hate related to me 3 separate times. I wondered if maybe I'm giving off a strong vibe of dislike when it comes to these things. To be fair when Margaret Cho is brought up I tend to flail my arms wildly and talk about my disdain for her so loudly that it comes off as if I issued a Fatwa on her. Understood. When I talk about women, I complain about them, why they never love me, and go on a rant about the whole toilet seat up conundrum and how it ruins my life. I would prefer the word dislike instead of hate, but, hey, we're parsing words here and I'm only including this paragraph to connect the points of this blog post. I really don't mind. I only have this to say.

I hate Dakota Fanning.

Out of that entire bio that is the one thing I was most proud of. Sure I ranted on and on about not using the word hate, but if I save it for one occasion it will be to tell you how much I do not like her. People always (once) ask me how I could possibly hate Dakota Fanning. The reasons I get thrown back at me are "she's just a kid," "she's a great actor," "one time she pooped her pants on set when she was 6." Whatever, like pooping your pants makes you adorable. If pooping your pants makes you good looking then Theta Chi was the hunk house every Saturday night in college.

I have been asked to explain how I could hate a kid actor like Dakota Fanning. Sure, it seems petty and obnoxious to hate a kid born in the 90s. But I want to know only one thing. Why can't Dakota Fanning act her age in these movies? I'm serious. Starting with I Am Sam she acts like a 24 year old graduate of Princeton. She was only 7 when that movie came out. Here's a thought, ACT LIKE A CHILD. You know what, pick a booger, go ahead, and eat it. Something. Give me anything. Don't act like you're the guardian of an adult. Please stop it. Look at Haley Joel Osment in Sixth Sense. He saw dead people and was scared. He didn't talk to them like he was Winston Churchill discussing exports with Roosevelt. Then in real life he got into car accidents. This is what kids do.

Get her some silly putty stat.

It just ramped up in the movie "Man on Fire". The whole premise of the movie is that Dakota Fanning was kidnapped and Denzel Washington decides to go on a one man rampage and bring her back. A wonderful film until Dakota Fanning basically fell in love with Denzel Washington. She keeps asking him if he loves her as they gaze into each other's eyes. She was acting like 30 year old woman trying to hold on to the man she's loved for the past 5 years. How about this? Ask him for a grilled cheese with no crust. What about a tickle me Elmo? Those were popular. Don't say things like "Dear God, I do not ask for health or wealth. People ask you so often that you can't have any left. Give me, God, what else you have. Give me what no-one else asks for. Amen."

"Dear God, please let Dakota Fanning go away. Peace be the journey."

Of course, she didn’t go away and resurfaced in "War of the Worlds." I had no idea she was in that movie so when she showed up I threw up my arms and said “AGAIN?!?!” to the joy of absolutely no one. She toned it down in this movie from intellectual 7 year old to whiny brat 11 year old. Is there no middle? Just be normal. Is that so hard? Tom Cruise is trying to fight aliens, stop crying all the time. WHY MUST YOU RUIN ALIEN ASS KICKING?!?! Add into that in every interview she tries to show off her vast vocabulary and maturity and I’m over it. I’m sorry Dakota Fanning, it’s not me, it’s you. Please leave.

I wouldn’t hate that.