Breaking News From CNN: It Rained 4 Months Ago.

What's going on?

That's one of my favorite phrases in the world. Succinct and to the point ,"What's going on?" is exactly the all encompassing question that gets to the meat of a subject. I would like to thank Marvin Gaye for bringing it to the forefront. Wait, I'm pretty sure it was Marvin Gaye that said that. It was either him or Gay Marvin outside the Abbey in West Hollywood last year when they wouldn't serve him that made it popular. It was most definitely NOT the artists that re-made that song into a World Aids Benefit jam. Any song with P.Puffy Sean Paul Combs Diddy will not be recognized as a work of art in my house.

I have an apartment.

He's won this round.

Every new day we wake up we can ask the question "What's Going On" since, hello; we're asleep and miss things. Duh so obvious. Get with it. Unless science starts really earning their money so that our brains are being filled with information while in a deep REM cycle then I don't want to hear any more about their "breakthroughs with cloning" or "stem cell research" or "what women want". This is not what my hard earned tax payer money should be going to. I'm being told my tax money does not go to this.

Uncle Sam 3,657 Rahul 0

Let's just roll through the litany of things going on with the world right now. Civil Unrest in Egypt and Libya, Gas is $32 a gallon for the cheap stuff (approximate), that guy from that show on CBS is insane, Congresswoman Giffords in Arizona recovering from being shot in the head (!), possible no NFL in 2011, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel split (YES), the iPad 2 is everywhere, Wisconsin has lost control of itself, people are slinging dope somewhere (assumed), and being awoken this morning to the news of Japan getting hit with an 8.9 earthquake and tsunami devastating the region. If now isn't the time to enlist Jake Gyllenhaal and Dennis Quaid to warn us of an impending glacier sweeping over the US then it will never be that time.

Worst nightmare. Stuck in a library for days. To the Dewey Decimal System bookmobile!

Of course, there is nothing funny about a country being demolished and ravaged by natural disasters. Especially when that country gives us such great technology like Samsung phones, great cars like Toyota, and great video game villains like Piston Honda from Mike Tyson's Punch-out who cleverly uses the name of a car manufacturer in his own name. Product placement is everywhere, people. Japan is going to need to dig out of this tragedy for months and months. I'm sure Americans will band together to help them out like we have done with other countries such as Haiti and Chile. But while watching the still pictures of the devastation I only have question.

Why does CNN suck?

No, seriously, it's terrible. The first thing I did this morning was turn on CNN to get my updates on the earthquake in Japan and if a tsunami would affect Los Angeles. Why did I choose CNN and not Fox News? Mainly because I did not want to stare at Steve Doocy on Fox and Friends for fear I would get irrational and go down the studio and give him a haircut. GET A HAIRCUT HIPPIE. The first thing the two lovely (see:hot) anchors on CNN do is tell me about the devastation in Japan and show some pictures that illustrate their point. Fine and dandy. Then they go to their wise meteorologist type person to tell us about how the tsunami will affect the West Coast. Oh, goody gumdrops. This is what I was waiting for. After the whole rigmarole of telling the audience what a tsunami is, he tells us that when something happens on the west coast we will be the first to know.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Let me explain something to you Mr. CNN weather desk person. You are supposed to be telling us what will happen BEFORE it happens. A tsunami warning is kind of big deal. I'm assuming he was actually looking at watch the tsunami did to Japan and not eating ho-hos in the back room while downloading the newest Lady Gaga music video. I can tell myself what will happen WHEN it happens since I will be floating down Santa Monica Blvd on a homemade raft made of tennis rackets and string cheese plastic remnant. What kinds of news policy is this? Shouldn't I know what time something is going to happen if it will, I don't know, make me wet? I'll even take an approximate time. Instead, I now know nothing and just have to guess because after it already happens CNN is going to tell me it happened. Whoop De Damn Do.

No heads up, no warning, but at least I know that a tsunami is like when you throw a rock in a puddle and the tipples go out. Except the tsunami will destroy your building and the rock is just a minor nuisance for someone walking down the street after the puddle dries. Other than that, exactly the same. CNN, let's get it together. On election night you love telling up what is going to happen before it happens. "2 percent of California reporting, we're calling it for Obama!" Yet when a predictable natural disaster occurs, eh, what's the big deal?

Good thing that wasn't a Marvin Gaye song.