A Pea Here And A Pea There Makes No Man Happy

The past couple weeks I've been listening to an inordinate amount of Black Eyed Peas songs. Now while some people will claim ignorance on the group or say things such as "Black Eyed Peas are the biggest sellouts ever. GROSS", if we're honest with ourselves we know that they have some pretty catch tunes. One time I was caught at the gym on the treadmill singing out loud the lyric, "Let's get retarded in here," which was met with equal glares of disapproval from old scholarly types who don't find mentally challenged musical lines amusing and nods of content from juice heads throwing down their 43rd pill of HGH down their throats.

Take 43 and call me in the morning.

The reason I'm bringing up the Black Eyed Peas is because everyone has an opinion on them. Some people like dancing to their music. Some people like talking about the old days when they played underground clubs and didn't conform to the man or sing about Pink Dot. And some people like my mom still think they are weird thing to make when you're at home. She would rather have regular peas. (Aside: I know that was an easy joke and I'm ashamed I made it, but it's my mom's go to joke. "Who sings this song?" "It's the Black Eyed Pe..." 'I would rather have regular peas! I'm funny right? Your mother is funny. Just admit it." Yeah. If when you get older and have kids you start repeating lame food pun jokes over and over again to try to relate to your children count me out. Is this what Carl Winslow did on Family Matters? Hell, no. He would slap Eddie upside the head and tell Steve to get out of his house when he asked for cheese. That's how I'm going to relate to my children. Tough love and the removal of milk based products from my home. It's the only way.)

That's one of the great things about living besides Apple products; the fact that people can talk about anything and have something to say. Of course, most of that is due to Wikipedia, but it still counts. Who doesn't like hearing about someone's take on the reason for the shootings in Arizona or the launch date of the iPhone on Verizon? Not me! Bring it on! So what that all your information was gotten from someone on a message board named "LongDong4UrMom", maybe they know something we don't. It would be a pleasure to hear your take on important subjects except for one place.

The bathroom.

I've already been over people having serious conversations on their cell phone in the bathroom, but I don't want to talk to anybody when I'm standing next to a person in a urinal. I really don't need to listen to you whine about Bush tax cuts being extended while I'm removing excrement from my body. For some reason guys think that just because they can see you that this is a perfect time to talk to a stranger about the hot waitress at the bar, the score of the game, or what is on your t shirt. Is it unreasonable to think that when my Lyndon Baines Johnson is out that I don't want to look at you? Is it? Because if it is I will gladly dissect the Chicago Bears failure to pass the ball on 4th down of a game they're winning by 23 points.

Never go against a bear. Except for Boo Boo. What a dope.

Let's take last night for example. I was wearing my lovely penguin shirt as illustrated below and some guy walks up to me while I'm peeing and says "Nice shirt bro, you a penguin fan?" What does this mean? Who ISN'T a fan of penguins? Well, if when you were 8 you went to Antarctica, were roofied by a group (gaggle? murder?) of penguins, and had your personal belongings then sold to the highest commander of penguins, then yes, I could see you not being a fan of penguins. How could you not like something with impeccable fashion sense and the ability to nosedive in a moment's notice? The only thing that rivals would be Michael Phelps in a tuxedo and we all love Michael Phelps.

USA! USA! USA!

I didn't know what to say to this guy so I said, "yeah, like penguins," while trying not to make eye contact. I knew he wasn't hitting on me since he wore his baseball hat slightly askew and was wearing a t shirt that had a baby chicken and a magnet on it with a plus sign. It was the Classic Concentration of t-shirts. Due to my crazy puzzle solving skills I deduced that his t-shirt was calling him a chick magnet. Since I knew no self respecting gay man would be wearing those two articles of clothing I knew I was not attracted to me. My icy response didn’t stop him so he went on with his banter about how he saw a penguin once when he was in Alaska and tried to pet it and it ran away. Are there penguins in Alaska? No. Did I bring this up? No. Did he just try to make up a story to talk to me? Yes. Sure he might have issues with being alone and he might just be really friendly, but there’s a time to be friendly. The supermarket perhaps. Maybe at the park. Maybe at Friendly’s. Anywhere, but the urinal. Why do people think this is acceptable? If it was written into the Ten Commandments this would have never happened

Too soon?

I'm not sure what exactly goes on in women's bathrooms besides walking around topless and touching each other's boobs all over the place (saw that in movies), but I know this a problem in the men's room. It must stop. It is a disaster of the utmost proportions. There should be signs posted and warning lights illuminating. Someone make it stop.

Or we’re going to be hearing “pea” jokes for a long time.

(There is a penguin on that shirt. Just use your imagination. I named him Pumar. Pumar the Penguin)