I Don't Always Think. But When I Do, I Prefer More Thinking. Stay Confused, My Friends

I've had a lot of things rattling around in my head for a blog post today, but for some reason I couldn't come up with a coherent post. Sure, some people may say this whole blog is incoherent, but I try to not listen to what my mother says. So instead of a full length post of rambling I'm stealing a page from some blog called Humans Are Funny and posting a bunch of things I've been thinking about. It's like that one famous person once said that one time a long time ago, "Stealing stuff is totally ok, as long as you don't get caught." I believe the quote is attributed to Abraham Lincoln, but I was too busy etching "Rahul Loves (insert girl's name) in the desk in history class so my memory could be off.

Your schooling is overrated.

So in lieu of another 1000 word post that people will chastise for being too long, here is a bullet point list of things that will inevitably add up to a 1000 words anyway. It's all about the presentation. Heard that on Top Chef.

- At what point did Chris Brown's "Forever" become the cool song to play at your wedding/reception? After watching an inordinate amount of wedding videos on You Tube (No, I'm not getting married, thanks for not asking), it seems like every video has that song in it. I'm sure it has to do with that one couple dancing to it when they were walking down the aisle, but I am appalled. No, no not because he beat up Rihanna or some such, which is appalling according to the law and human rights, but because the song came out in 2008. Listen, when I go to a wedding I want to see old people doing the chicken dance and throwing their arms in the air and dislocating their elbows while yelling "Shout". I do not want to see them trying to have rhythm or style. That's what a club in LA or NYC that a normal person can't get into is for. Weddings are for awkwardness, your uncle drinking too much Manischewitz, and the one time in 15 years Aunt Margaret stopped watching People's Court to attend a family function. Let's not make it cool.

- Richard Simmons called Jack Lalanne his fitness hero. No truth to the rumor that the original "Sweatin' to the Oldies" was just a video of Richard Simmons watching Jack Lalanne drink prune juice.

-The Parking garage might as well be called the Thunderdome. Every man for themselves, hide the women and children, unless your woman is Chyna. Speed bumps aren't there for you to slow down; they're there for you to fly. Fly through the air. Stop signs are suggestions. Lined parking spaces are just outlines of where a car could possibly fit, but not there for any deterrent. All we need is a pit of alligators by the validation machine and two guys named Nitro and Turbo hitting people over the head with joust sticks to complete the gauntlet. Take a look around next time you're in a parking garage and see how people disregard everything about it. One time I saw a barrel fire and a guy with a tie wrapped around his head screaming "ESCAPE IS OURS!" Will Smith's next project is obvious. "In the real world, Bobby Jackson is a lovable father of 3. But once he enters the abyss there is no turning back. When the sun disappears, your satellite radio gets no reception and there's one way out, your car alarm won't even be able to save you from...DEATH GARAGE."

- The most popular subject on my Facebook feed right now. The Jersey Shore is filming season 4 in Italy. This now ups the shirtless, oily guy percentage on that show to a record breaking 100 percent.

- Today, the Oscar nominations were announced. Also today, people who have seen exactly 3 of the films nominated will complain about something that doesn't matter to any one of us. I've yet to see someone say, "Ugh, Ghost Dad didn't even win an Oscar and we're going to see it in the theater. Why?" Mainly because Ghost Dad came out in 1990 and starred a hilarious Bill Cosby so winning an Oscar would be beneath that film. Why are we so paranoid about awards that we're not involved in? We can't vote for them, we can't win them and we can't even go to the cool parties associated with them. Yet, for the next 4 weeks people will debate it and tear it apart like my 7th grade paper on how a television works. (The phrase "just turn it on" got me a D on that paper). Any award named after a terrible Sylvester Stallone film shouldn't get our proverbial panties in a bunch. Not to mention, one of the movies nominated this year was a called "The King's Speech". Not one black person in the film! This is how we teach our children about civil rights? Bravo America.

- Oprah has a sister. She is not Star Jones.

- When are we going to get the truth that fire was discovered when two cavepeople first started having sex? Just think about it. There weren't any scissors or "grooming" available back then so their naughty areas must have been Jungle Love. Also did you see their hairstyles? If they're letting that go then you know they ain't manscaping. So if you're having sex vigorously then the friction of the hair should cause a spark that starts a flame. I'm no chemist or fireman, but this seems to undeniably true. I fully expect to hear a report from Science Journal that the first man that ever had sex combusted into flames. What are we paying these guys for? Let's go!