Don't Look Through God's DVD Collection. Trust Me.

It's no secret that our attention spans have gotten incredibly shorter. This is not a new development. We now have things like You Tube, TMZ, and 15 minute shows on Adult Swim that know we all have somewhere to be. Like Now. Or Like 5 seconds ago. Or Like Never. Like for real. Every year we flip the calendar our attention spans keep shrinking like a man's stuff coming out of the pool.

It's science.

One quick note. I can't remember the last time I "flipped" the calendar. Or any calendar for that matter. I took a quick trip around my office and saw no one with a calendar on their walls which is weird since A LOT of people in this office like cute dogs and shirtless firefighters from New York City. My personal favorite? Mr. August. He's from Flushing. They all are. ANYWAY, isn't it time to retire the "flip the calendar" cliché? No one's flipping anything anymore because if they were the bank wouldn't receive checks that are still dated 2009 on them. Just yesterday I needed the date so I did what any self respecting American would do. I checked the television. Not only does it provide me with quality moving pictures of hijinx on a channel called Music Television, it also gives me the date, time, and proper color scale for my skin tone. Updated score.

Television -Infinity

Calendars - Negative a billion.

It's a blowout.

Television's stranglehold on calendars isn't the point. The point is that we can't have nice things anymore. Anytime I send a YouTube clip to someone the first question they ask is "How long is it?" Sweet Jebediah if I send a clip that is over 90 seconds because that will lead to a tirade which hasn't been seen since John Candy was told they were out of peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches at the craft services table on the set of Uncle Buck 2: Still Bucking.

Only available on VHS.

"A minute and a half! I don't have time for this; I'll have to watch it later. I can't believe you would send something this long to me. This is an outrage." That's right; we've gotten to the point where people cannot carve out a minute and a half of their day to watch a hilarious chimpanzee simulating masturbation at a zoo. For some reason we need our entertainment and we need it now. Yet, we spend an hour of our week watching celebrities dancing, scripted shows about vampires that use hair gel, or 7 imbeciles getting drunk on a beach and hooking up.

Saddest episode of Good Times ever.

Luckily, I have found one thing that no one likes shortened to a quick hitter. While out with a couple friends one guy started railing on how ridiculous it was that he was getting shorter and shorter clips. He went on to say that he didn't want a "preview" and wanted the whole thing because he needs all of it. Finally, we have found the one place where our attention spans aren't shrinking!

Internet Porn.

Oh.

Pornography has worked its way into mainstream culture. Porn stars like Sasha Grey have worked their way into "respectable" acting roles. Respectable is in quotes there because it's hard to believe any show that has a main character with the name of Turtle would in any way be respectable, but welcome to this century. Not that being in Buttman 74 is not respectable, but I doubt people are watching it for Ms. Grey's acting chops. Gone are the days when you mentioned Jenna Jameson in a supermarket and women covered their faces, blushed, and blurted out "My word, I never!" while fanning themselves profusely with the discount flyer. Porn is not just a topic for men's locker rooms and backroom message boards where you got the password from a "friend" anymore.

Let's be honest with ourselves for a second. All women have seen porn. Just admit it. It may have been an entire video that you saw with your boyfriend or your dad forgot to change the channel after he purchased a video on demand, but you've all caught at least a clip of porn. It's ok. You can still go to heaven, if you believe in that kind of thing even if you've seen porn. God watches porn too. Just think about Adam and Eve. What do you think was happening there? Sure, sure creation of man, blah blah blah, but really Adam and Eve was God's first porno. I'm positive he even has it saved on a video tape he has trickily titled "Caveman Weight Lifting Exercises" so Mrs. God will never watch it and find out.

God is one sly devil.

Somehow, Internet porn has become the exact opposite of every non porn video on the Internet. Not only do people (mostly guys) want MORE, we get outraged with a one minute clip. This guy was going berserk because he wasn't getting the full clip online and got duped into watching a preview. How are we supposed to enjoy one minute of porn? It's impossible, just ask our significant others. We need AT LEAST two minutes to finish. It's very important. (Aside: Sorry for the hacky, "guys only last two minutes" joke. I'm only doing it so I can write this aside. I promise it will be the last time. It's so lame. Hardy har har. Get it?!?! Because we're not good at sex! Ugh. Come up with something else, dummy. Go away.) I guarantee if you sent this guy a minute clip of a kid trying to sing Mariah Carey he would say it was too long, but a minute long video of a midget and a gymnast doing the adult stuff? Well, that is a crime on humanity.

More midget. Less everything else.

I have come up with a solution for sending links to my friends. I’m titling everything PORN, so that they watch it. People seem to always make time for porn, but don't make time for watching the video of the rat nosed kid that tripped on the stage during his high school performance of “Guys and Dolls”. He fell! Hilarity ensuing. I want my Internet finds to be seen by everyone so this is the only way. It must be done.

At least I’m not talking about calendars.