Bottoms Up, Tops Down, That's The Way This Rap Don't Drown (The Remix)

This morning while driving to work I was reminded that when I was younger I wanted to be a rapper. Actually, let's just tell the truth, I STILL want to be a rapper to the point that sometimes I will turn the radio down to see if I know the entire rap verses to songs. I'll say this.

Jay-Z, you've won this round.

I'm pretty sure for any kid growing up in a middle class family in Suburbia, U.S.A. becoming a rapper was on the top 5 things to do before you die list. And if you weren't that popular in school?!?! Well, shoot, becoming a rapper was probably second on your list after touching a developed boob. Think about it, anyone that knew ALL the lyrics to U Can't Touch This in middle school was the coolest person you ever met. So it was pretty obvious that becoming a rapper was a must to get me out of the hell that was Gifted and Talented class.

"Hey Kelly, I overheard you at lunch. 24 times 17 is actually 408, I did it all in my head. Impressive, huh?"
"Um, you STILL Can't Touch...(points) This."

While I was working on my full fledged rap career an important piece was missing from the equation. I needed a new name. I hated my elongated 16 letter full name as it was so I needed something short and to the point. MC Hammer, Busta Rhymes, Notorious BIG, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, these were the names that would get you noticed. Even though I still have not seen Dr. Dre's PHD anywhere. Where did he get it from? University of Phoenix? Do they offer PHD's in "gettin' down"? Man, they got everything over there. Regardless, Dr. Dre's medical background is not the point. The point is that I needed a new name and it had to be rad so that when I made it big I wasn't stuck with something dumb like "Vanilla Ice". Who would name themselves after a horrendous mid afternoon-snack that Robert Hanson's grandmother would keep stocked in the fridge because she couldn't have anything too sweet?

He should have went with Paint Butter.

Coming up with a name is not an easy task. I went through many variations of names that played off my intials starting with DJ R-Nice to RastaSerious which made no sense at all since I wasn't Jamaican and didn't have the slightest clue what harshing one's mellow actually meant. After weeks of deliberating (which just means scribbling things on the back of my biology notebook) I settled on R Smooth. Partly because I thought it sounded cool and partly because I could spell it ARE or ARRRR like a pirate and I was really into pirates when I was 11.

I wore an eye patch to school once.

Sidenote: I had no friends.

As you can see I didn't become a rapper or a hip hop star. Also it seems that in the last 20 years rapper and hip hop artist became the same thing. I'm guessing the change happened somewhere between the 43rd time a rapper said "phat ass" and the 123rd time a hip hop star said "all up in the club." It's probably best to combine the two after all the confusion. Phat asses all up in the club just make it very difficult to distinguish between job titles sometimes.

The reason I was reminiscing today is that I heard a fantastic new voice on the hip hop scene by the name of Trey Songz. That's right Trey Songz. Listen, since The Sugarhill Gang made rap mainstream we've had some great names in the hip hop industry. Besides the one's I've mentioned, the 90s and 2000s gave us: Eminem, Ludacris, LL Cool J, Missy Misdemeanor Elliot, 490 names playing off the made up word Li'l, and a guy that named himself after a person who carries a flashlight, has no real authority, and cleans up your popcorn (Usher). Now we have Trey Songz.

We've given up.

He basically named himself after what he does. He sings songs. Could this get any lazier? The only equivalent I could think of was if you went to a doctor and their last name was Checkup. Or Surgery. Or Thisisaninvasiveprocedurethatisexpensive. "So yeah, I went through med school and I just thought it would get me more published if I went ahead and changed my last name to Dr. Health. Because that's just what I do. I'm all up in yo' health business. Holla!"

I may have mixed two professions there.

I would have loved to hear Trey Songz rationale when he was becoming an artist and was thinking about changing his name. Shockingly, Trey Songz is not his real name by the way.

Trey - "Yo, guys I need to change my name because Tremaine doesn't have that certain je ne sais quoi."

Friend -"Jenny who now?"

Trey - "Let's stay on topic here. What do you guys think my new hip hop name should be? Suggestions?"

Friend- "How about just Trey. One word names work, like Seal. Or Triple Trey. I like those."

Trey- "I think I need two names though. I got it. Trey Songs. Cause that's what I sing! Can I get a high five?"

Friend - "Um, what? Your name is going to be what you do? That seems lame. You need to spice it up."

Trey- "Yeah, you're right. Oh, oh, I got it. I'll make the last "s" a "z"! S-O-N-G-Z! Man, that is so cool. Misspellings on purpose are the hippest thing out there!"

Friend- "What?"

Trey- "Yeah, like spelling cool with a "K" or Extreme with a capital "X." X GONNA GIVE IT TO YA!"

Friend- "Trey, are you..."

Trey- "Gotta go make a hit. Trey Songz in the hizzey!"

This is what our nation has come down to. Unoriginal fake names. Maybe at some point I'll restart my rap career and R Smooth will bring it back. Back from where? I don't know. But probably not Gifted and Talented class.

I just wanted to touch that.