On the 7th Day, Man had Dinner

(thanks to everyone for the kind words on the last post. Let's not have any more of that around here)

Overrated.

Birthday Dinners.

I have never for the life of me understood where the fascination with birthday dinners has come from. I'm not talking about your family taking you out to Olive Garden on your 16th birthday while you see a bunch of senior girls staring at you because you're with your family and they're talking about the pillow fight and mud wrestling competition they're holding the next night. Because that's just what senior girls in high school do.

Saw it on TV.

No, I'm talking about having a birthday and then inviting your friends to come out to said birthday dinner. I don't get it. When exactly did this whole birthday dinner thing start? Was it back in the early 1400s and one of the Kings was having a birthday so he sent out invites? "Who doth join me for a celebration feast of the passage out of my mothers womb?!?!. The finest cheeses and buxom ladies will be available for you all to gorge your hearty mouths on. Come suckle the teet of the finest young wench in all the land. NAY! The Kingdom! WE SHALL DOTH BE MEN!"

Best E-Vite Ever.

I'll RSVP that with my very own witty comment, thankyouverymuch. Can I bring a +2?

You see every year a couple of my friends throw themselves birthday parties. Whatever, who doesn't? But before the party there always is an e-mail sent out about the birthday dinner and having everyone meet up. Since, I'm a cool and hip guy I get invited to these things. I go and have a good time, but lately I've been wondering why we even do this dance. It's not that I don't like going to birthday dinners, its just that it reeks of self importance. "Hey, its my birthday, come join me and about 15 people you don't know and a couple that you do so you can sit at a long table that the restaurant had to specially order so we can all pretend to be friends!"

I think my favorite maneuver of the dinner is when the table is inevitably not ready and someone throws a fit. "How could the table not be ready! We called like 4 days ago!" Well, how about this? Um, you see in the restaurant business they usually aren't prepared for groups of 30. So they have to make sure their other patrons are gone, assemble a small army or workers, build the Taj Mahal of dining tables, play paper, rock, scissor for the sad sack waitress that gets that entire table and then bring you out a Mai Tai.

HOW ABOUT YOU LAY OFF.

Anyways, I'm not against the group of 5 or 6 friend dinners, its when you start expanding it to 10-15 that it gets ridiculous. Really? A 15 person dinner? Who are you? King Arthur? No one at any time should ever go to dinner with 15 people and here are 4 reasons.

1. Only you know all the other people. I always love the one person that is there by themselves that knows no one trying to make conversation. Unless that person is the worlds biggest extrovert it is the most awkward situation ever. " Why yes, I've known Bob for 10 years. Oh, why haven't we met? Because he doesn't let me out of the closet except once a year. I like to eat sand!"

2. The table is way too big. Seriously, every time I'm at one of these things I end up making jokes about the other end of the table and this is what I hear, "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" It's not even a mean thing, they honestly have no idea what we said because we're sitting about 42 miles away from them. They should hand out walkie talkies. The worst is actually sitting at the non funny end of the table. So while everyone is laughing, you're cursing yourself slabbing on the 9th packet of butter on your hard sourdough roll that tastes like metal.

3. The Bill. Oh the bill. I'm not cheap by any stretch and some people call me reckless with money, but I hate the bill at these things. You end up paying more than your share and someone ends up complaining. That someone being the person that got a salad and the bottomless glass of Sprite. Then someone just says Split it and then thats done. Listen, when you go to a birthday dinner whatever you eat makes no difference. You're still going to end up paying way more than you got. Just deal with it. You must as well run the tab up for everyone else because you will split it when you have a small sovereign nation dining at the Shrimp Shack. Don't drink that Sprite. Drink a whole handle of Jack Daniels. You're all splitting it!

4. "Oh no it's your birthday, you don't have to pay." Like I said, I'm not cheap, but this bothers me. How about this instead, "You invited everyone here and if you didn't we would just buy you a shot at the bar, but now we're paying 50 bucks for a dinner and then drinks. You SHOULD PAY." Remember in elementary school when it was our birthday we brought in the cupcakes for the class? I don't remember Little Tommy saying," Hey mom, it's his birthday! We should pay!"

You know why?!

BECAUSE THAT IS THE DUMBEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.

What kind of country do we live in that someone invites other people out to things and then gets out of paying the bill? This is a great scam. In fact, I've decided to get 12 groups of friends that won't know each other and have a birthday every month. It's cool! They'll say I don't have to pay! Brilliance!

Then my favorite part is whoever's birthday it is does that dance where they say, "Ok, I'll pay" when they have no intention of paying. Well, this is what's happening next time. When that person says they'll pay I'm standing up and saying "Damn right you'll pay! If it wasn't for you I would be getting ready right now with some Brute and Drakkar Noir panty dropping cologne mix and instead I'm paying 35 dollars for your 4 Spicy Salmon rolls!"

My birthday is in 3 weeks.

Bring a wallet.

Read more...

It's not hate. I just really really really don't like you.

I don't like the word hate, but I do like the word dislike. On this blog I've talked about far more things that I like than dislike. Gossip Girl! Redheads! Katy Perry! Power of positive thinking! So for one day only, here is a list of 25 things I dislike. If you do any of these things or have them, well, God speed.

1. People that take two or more days to text back. This just in, it's not 1971.
2. Answering a question with a question
3. No turn on red.
4. Girls ignoring friends when hanging out with their boyfriends
5. Guys parading their girlfriends around to show them off
6. Making fun of people, then being sensitive when people make fun of you
7. Phil Collin's clothing choices
8. The cell phone talker at the gym
9. Bug Eyed Sunglasses
10. Reverse jinxes
11. Posting random pictures of celebrities on Facebook
12. Commenters that agree with everything on blogs
13. Telling someone what to write
14. "Do as I say, not as I do"
15. One word e-mails
16. Only reaching out to someone when something is wrong
17. Braggarts
18. "Playing Devil's advocate"
19. Name Droppers
20. "I like everything but country"
21. Not sticking up for your friends
22. The American Judicial System
23. Parks and Recreation
24. Unsupportive dicks.
25. Top 25 lists.

Read more...

Sharp Dressed Men Don't Play

Well Well, as you can see this blog has been neglected. There are many reasons for this, but the main one being that starting tomorrow I will be unveiling a new project I am starting on. I'm not sure who I'm going to release it to as I will be un-anonymous, so bear with me. If you're my friend on facebook, congratulations! No, that's it, no announcement, I just wanted you to be happy to have an awesome Facebook friend as myself.

MAZEL TOV!

Anyways, I did want to get back to writing 4 or 5 times a week, but that isn't going to happen. I'm not sure how much I will be posting here, but it will be very sporadic. I'm not quitting, just not posting as much, So when you see a post here just think of it as Christmas if you believe that Jesus killed Jews. If you don't then insert your own random holiday where you get presents. Maybe Arbor Day. I'm not hip on the religions.

Tree Hugging Bastards.

The big story the last few weeks has been this story of Annie Le who was a doctoral student at Yale that went missing. She was found on her wedding day murdered and stuffed behind a wall in the basement of the research building she worked at. Well, now police have arrested a lab technician at the school and charged him with murder. Let's just say that you have to be a little freaky and psychotic to do something like that. I mean did he think no one would find the body behind a wall? Apparently, Mr. Raymond Clarke III hasn't been watching too much CSI.

Grissom would have been all in this guy's grill piece.

The part that gets me about all these murder cases are the people that grow up with the murderer. There is an upside to murdering someone. Your friends say how awesome you are. It's the equivalent of dying, but being alive. When you die people are so complimentary, "He was a great man, saved some kids from burning buildings, blah blah blah." You could have eaten babies and defecated on the cross of St. Agnes, but people never mention those things. When you die it's not fair, you don't get to hear it. But when you murder someone you get the best of both worlds. People say great stuff about you and you're alive to hear it! Oh glory day! Well, there is that whole thing of going to jail and becoming someone's woman and/or being killed, but we deal with vagaries around here.

Lets take Ray Ray Clarke over here. Here is what his friends had to say about him when he got arrested...

"That's not the Raymond Clark I've talked to my whole entire life," Bobby Heslin said.

"I just can't picture him doing something like this," Maurice Perry said.

Perry describes Clark "to be outgoing, happy, athletic, fun" and not at all "violent."

You guys are great judges of character! But to be fair, no one ever says anything bad about sick and twisted murderers. I've never once heard someone say, "You know what, yeah, Ray was a little freaky. I mean he once wore women's underwear and wielded an ax at me, but we were just re-enacting wrestling moves so I thought it was cool. But you're right. Crazy Train, all aboard".

And if you think," Oh you're crazy, not everyone says nice things about mass murderers they grew up with," here is some more evidence.

Ted Bundy -" His friends from high school remember Ted as a popular, well dressed, well mannered individual"

John Wayne Gacy - "He was a good Catholic and sharp businessman who, when not running his construction company was active in the Jaycees and was also a Democratic Party precinct captain, when he had his photo taken with then First Lady, Rosalynn Carter. He also spent much of his free time hosting elaborate street parties for his friends and neighbors, serving in community groups and entertaining children as "Pogo the Clown"."

Ted Kaczynski -""I find it hard to fathom," he said, that Kaczynski might be a serial bomber."

(Aside- You're damn right I looked all of these up. At work. While hoping no one was going through my Internet history looking into the Worlds most renowned mass murderers. Awkward. By the way kudos to Ted Bundy for being the subject to ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man.")

How about this you idiots? If these people acted like this when they were growing up you wouldn't be talking. You would be dead. What is it about society that we can't see the forest for the trees? Let me tell you this, if somebody I went to high school goes ballistic and starts mass murdering people tomorrow and I get interviewed here is what I'm going to say...

"Oh yeah, that kid was a nut job. He was lighting fires and throwing those little milks at people. One time he stuck a french fry in my face and said 'Eat it'. I did because I knew he might kill me. A lot."

That's right. I won't be mentioning the good times. I won't say things like "I can't believe he would do this." You know why? BECAUSE HE DID. So you better believe I can believe he did this. My favorite quote has to be from Maurice Perry saying, "Clarke was not at all violent." Oh thanks Maurice for your insight. So back in 1999 when he wasn't killing you he wasn't violent. How about you tell that to the Le family.

"No it's cool guys. HE ISN'T VIOLENT! Totally ok. Police! Unhand that individual!"

I mean what a joke. People don't one day wake up and think "let's murder some people today." Sorry, doesn't happen. He had some violent streaks pent up inside of him. He is not a "fun" person or a "well mannered" individual. He is a creepy nut case. Let's call a spade a spade.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm searching for any serial killers from my high school.

And changing my address.

Read more...

Real Men of Genius

People are in such an uproar over Kanye West being a douche that they gave him a standing ovation yesterday! Get off your high horse America. Love Lockdown! Probably the most hilarious clip I've seen in a decade. Someone get Kanye an Oscar! Move over Jack Nicholson, the best actor in America award is up for grabs! Daniel Day Lewis? YOU DRINK KANYE'S MILKSHAKE! No homo. I think it's time for Taylor Swift to come out and say she wasn't upset because her bank account got 8 more zeroes in it that night.



Can we list the hilarity here?

1. Jay Leno says it wasn't planned
2. Leno thanks Kanye West for showing up.
3. Kanye says "he doesn't want to take anything away from people"
4. He fake cries
5. Jay Leno is not dead
6. Kanye West has a maze in his hair
7. Apparently the Jay Leno show has no coat check

Keep being outraged America. You think this wasn't a stunt? As my main man once eloquently put it,

"Let's have some fun this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick"

I know.

Weird.

Read more...

The Greatest American Hero

If you're between the ages of 14 and 33, then all you have heard about the last 15 hours was Kanye West. In so many words he has been called a "douchebag, bag of dicks, a-hole, colostomy bag, kidney stone, and metamucil tablet."

I can't believe the New York Times went that far.

No Class.

Anyways, Kanye West went up during Taylor Swift's award acceptance speech last night, said something about Beyonce being great and then shrugged. So this morning everyone is calling Kanye West whatever their favorite body part is that doesn't get any sun.

I prefer taint.

Kanye West is a huge taint.

Well, I for one, am outraged. No, no not by Kanye West's antics because I think it's awesome. He's gotten America in a tizzy because how dare he ruin a moment for an 19 year old multi-millionaire famous superstar at a made up awards show by a network that doesn't even play videos anymore.

Kanye West hates rich people.

What a joke. Why would you be mad at this? Who cares? Go devote your time to helping a baby whale or 7. It's not like Kanye West ate your children. He went on a stage and said something about Beyonce being hot. Big deal. Go cry on your millions of tears and dollars Taylor Swift. No one feels bad for you. And if they do then they have a false sense of sadness. Kanye West is a self inflated ego-aholic. Why did he do this? Because he's on the Jay Leno premiere tonight. This is America in 2009. He obviously did this to pump up the show since it's a huge gamble for NBC to put a talk show on in primetime. They need the buzz. What do you think is going to happen tonight? That's right. Huge ratings to see if Kanye does something else douchey. Bravo Kanye, you are America, because the only question relevant to America in 2009 is...

Am I getting mine?

And he is. And Jay Leno will be. The money is still green. I don't feel bad for Taylor Swift. I don't feel bad for Kanye West. I don't feel bad for Beyonce. There's only one person in America I feel bad for.

The guy in that ad that goes with the girl to buy condoms.

Surely, you've seen this ad. A guy and girl go to a store to buy condoms together. TOGETHER. In what parallel universe does this happen? A couple buying condoms together? I guess what they say is true, "The couple that buys condoms together, has less herpes together." I mean what self respecting man would do that? I have so many questions about that advertisement.

Is this the only way he will have sex is by bringing her to buy condoms?
Do they buy feminine products together?
Is he whipped or really really whipped?
Do you think as soon as they get outside he goes crazy and starts maniacally screaming" YOU SAID THE LAST TIME I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO GO WITH YOU AGAIN! WHY CANT I JUST PULL OUT!"?
Does she tell him that birth control doesn't prevent everything?
Is this just so the next time they have sex he can't say "Oh forgot the condoms, got the orange juice though, one of two aint bad."

I don't understand it. It's like having an advertisement for a chewy candy, having a guy in an interview eat one and ending up in the ocean with fruit just floating around. Oh.

At least he didn't have to buy condoms.

Read more...

Make Mine a Single

Wel,l it's Friday and across the land it is winding down to Labor Day weekend. The unofficial end to summer or in LA, another day for women to sunbathe topless. You go girl friend! You do you. So why am I writing on a day when on one will read, because is my blog and I can write whatever the hell day I choose. Lay off.

As anyone has read this blog knows, I am perpetually single. Now, before you cry tears from your god, just know that a lot of that is by choice. Sure, once in a while, I'll like someone and the girl will light my car on fire and kick me in the shins, but it doesn't happen often. The last time that happened I didn't press charges because she looked so hot when she yelled "Arson this mother f---er!"

Hot Hot Heat.

The point I was getting at is that the other night my friend and I were discussing my singledom. The reason, of course, being that she is always in a relationship. Since I've known her, she's had 4 boyfriends and always wants to know why I'm single. Then she wants to know why the girls I go out with end up being psychotic bitches. Then she nags and nags and nags that I should find someone nice that is normal and...

HOW ABOUT YOU SET ME UP WITH SOMEONE, WHORE!

Um, lets just move on.

I like being single. Who wouldn't? You get to pee with the door open, eat chinese food in bed, not do dishes for days at a time, throw stuff everywhere. It's heaven. If heaven existed it would have things everywhere and naked ladies just giving it up and not judging. Preferably without the help of mind altering devices like David Blaine hypnosis. Or GHB. Whichever method you prefer.

I'm not saying I'm anti-relationship because I have been in a couple, but I really don't understand them. I'm sure it's nice to have the (earmuffs) sex on a regular basis and not go trolling for it at 145 AM on Saturday looking for the drunkest girl in the bar so you can take advantage of her 8 year relationship falling apart that night so you can be her "shoulder" to cry on and rub her back.

Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my....

Radio edit.

It seems like nowadays more and more young folk are apathetic about kids. Sure one day, maybe, I want to be proud that my son or daughter did 5 beers out of a 7 beer bong on freshman college orientation weekend, but I can't see having one. Nor can I see being married (sorry mom). So in those two cases whats the point of a relationship? There is none. Those are your two conclusions to have a relationship. If you don't believe in marriage or having a kid why not just have fun? Why be tied down? There's no end in sight! Pretty soon you're Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon and you've lost your entire mind and are in the middle of malls handing out anti-Republican propaganda and screaming, "DON'T BE ELEPHANT DUNG!"

I don't know.

So I brought his up to my friend and we engaged in a wide ranging debate that touched on my mental sanity, grooming habits, DJ Qualls, and drug abuse. Actually it might have been DJ Qualls' grooming habits. I forget.

Friend - "Don't you want to settle down and find someone that makes you happy everyday and that you can do things with?"
Me- "A monkey butler would make me happy and do things with me. You don't see me going to the zoo every day."
Friend- "I'm being serious!"
Me- "Well, let me ask you this, are you happy with JimBobJoe (real name) every day? Is every day sunshine and leprechauns and singing Hair musicals?"
Friend- "No, sometimes we fight."
Me- "A HA!"
Friend - "But I know I have someone when I have a bad day or just need to talk."
Me- So you're saying single people are lonely."
Friend - "I'm saying people in relationships always know they have somebody, but if you're single your friends could be doing other things, not available, all that kind of stuff."
Me- "Counterpoint. Don't sometimes you just want to be left alone? Go to your room, pop in Sleepless in Seattle, eat some trail mix, curse Meg Ryan, cry in a fetal position because its so so cold? I'm just saying."
Friend- "Sure."
Me- "So why don't you TRY being single. Just see how it works out. You just don't go to the dealership and buy the first Kia on the lot. Got to test drive that baby."
Friend- "Well I test drove JimBobJoe and it was...
Me- "LALALALALA CAN'T HEAR YOU"
Friend- "Why don't you try being in a relationship and see how that goes then."
Me- "Oh yes, I forgot to redeem my relationship coupon at the store the other day. 'Excuse me kind sir can I get 1 pack of gum, a 6 pack of O'Douls, a bag of doritos and your finest relationship??' Make it Latina."
Friend- "Whatever, you've had the opportunity, you're just scared."
Me- "Ah the old, Back to the Future 'chicken' tactic. I'm not scared I'm just happy."
Friend- "Me too."
Me- "Well then, I'm glad we had this talk. I'll be single. You'll be living with people forever. The world is a better place."
Friend- "Maybe one day I'll be single too. What do single people do?"
ME- "Try to have sex. With girls."
Friend - "See, I can do that every day."
Me- "Lesbo alert! Just wait until you're married. Burn!"
Friend- "Suck it. Married people have sex all the time."
Me- "I'll check snopes when I get home."
Friend- "What is wrong with you?"

Read more...