Run Away, What Are We Running From?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Ok, I've seen enough.
Marie and Allison M have beaten me to it, but I can't take it anymore. Are we so desperate for female companionship in this country that we are pining our hopes on a 9 year old? HAVE WE NO DIGNITY!
I will kick this kid's ass at Guitar Hero.
If you don't know the story, this kid, Alec Greven, wrote a pamphlet about how to meet girls and sold it at some kind of school book fair or something or other. He noticed some of his friends were having trouble with the ladies. Now they are making this thing into a movie. I'm sure these were some hard conversations to have with his other 9 year old friends.
9 year old classmate- "Alec, I'm having trouble meeting women with the proper mental acuity to challenge me to make myself a better person. What's the best way to meet the woman of my dreams with which I can spend a harmonious and prosperous life?"
Alec- " The red crayon tastes the best"
THIS THING WILL SELL MILLIONS!
Actually in a breaking exclusive at Your Beard is Good, I have gotten my hands on a copy of this world famous 46 page novella.
Excerpt- " When trying to meet a girl, don't tell her that you want to go color. No. Make your move. Ask for a pass for the bathroom and then meet her in the hallway and pull at her dress. Then run around and yell that girls have cooties. Girls love the game. Then go get ice cream. Ice cream is so good."
I can't wait until the movie to hear Haley Joel Osment read that out loud. Hold on, Haley Joel Osment isn't forever 11 years old? Damn. My dreams have been dashed.
He's dead the whole time.
Spoiler.
In fact, let's go through some of Alec's tips which I should put into effect when I go out this weekend. If it works for a 9 year old, how could it not work for me?
Oh I know. I'M NOT 9 YEARS OLD!
ahem.
Tip #1 - The fourth-grader from Castle Rock, Colo., advises Lothario wannabes to stop showing off, go easy on the compliments to avoid looking desperate - and be wary of "pretty girls."
Ah yes. I see his point. The ugly girls are where it's at. When this kid goes to college he will realize that all girls look the same after 7 shots Goldschlager, and 8 beers. Ok so don't go after anyone remotely good looking. If I hit on you it means your ugly. I didn't say it, this kid did. He's 9 so you can't hit him.
Tip #2- "It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry," he writes in Chapter Three. "Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil."
Wait a second big guy. See what I did there? He's not big, so I called him big guy. It's like calling someone big, "tiny." You just told me to be wary of pretty girls. Now I should ask them out? This is more confusing than actually talking to women. So any girl that wears big earrings, fancy dresses and jewelry is pretty? Got it. I hear you on the big earring thing.
Tip #3 - He advises, "The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."
Oh ok, so go for a regular girl. What constitutes not a regular girl? I would have to say a man. A man is not a regular girl. So through 3 tips I want an ugly,regular girl, that doesn't need a lot of lube..err..oil. I thought guys were cold hearted snakes? Thats what Paula said.
Tip #4 - With classic plain-spoken advice - like "comb your hair and don't wear sweats" - it's no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages
How old is this kid? 64? Comb your hair? Welcome to 2008 tough guy. No one combs their hair anymore. Why don't I go to the 5 and Dime and drink some orange pop out of a bottle while skipping rocks with my dad Andy Griffith. But since I'm listening to your advice I guess I'll not wear sweats anymore. Didn't realize there was a lot of that going on at the elementary schools nowadays. I can see it now, "SWEATPANT EPIDEMIC PARALYZES SCHOOL WITH FEAR OF DRAWSTRINGS"
Tip #5- "If I say hi and you say hi back, we're probably off to a good start,"
Oh ok, so just say "hi". This seems easy enough. This will beat my other openers such as "Goodbye," "Whats Crackin, Can I Smackin' that Assin", and my personal fave "Let's go in the back and have great sex."
If I ever see this kid at the same bar as me I will run because all the ladies will not be able to resist his moves. It's like facing Michael Jordan in his prime, trying to out run Flo Jo, or not being double murdered by OJ Simpson. Impossible.
Can't wait for the movie. I'll be seeing it twice.
29 comments:
It's illegal for a kid to be in a bar and otherwise that whole thing is creepy. And btw, when was the last time you saw a 9 year old in lots of jewelry? The stuff will be lost during recess. And why don't adults get recess? Bring recess back (with plenty of uncooked ramen noodles sprinkled with the seasoning)!
Oh, and I'm first!
I think you're a little jealous you didn't think of this first when you were 9 years old.
Unfort my boyfriend can't comb his hair. He has none. Hehe.
Oh and I forgive you for stealing.
Down with Leukemia!
Ugh, I hate this kid.
Was that too strong a word. Okay, Loathe. I loathe this kid.
I'm having a traumatic drawstring flashback.
"Let's go in the back and have great sex."
this works with me every time.
9 year olds are going to be taking over soon.
We may get naptime and recess back!
I thought that whole thing w/the 9 year old was a hoax.
Bruec Willis was dead at the end of Sixth Sense and then I jizzed in my pants.
i don't think i stopped laughing throughout this whole post. and when are you writing your dating tips book? come on now, i think it's due.
I hate everything about this news story except for the fact that you blogged about it.
Someone sounds a little...bitter. Hmmmm. Just 'cause the nine-year-old has more moves than you - and clearly will have more money once his movie hits it big - doesn't mean you have to be a hater.
What ever happened to "don't hate the player, hate the game?"
I'm pre-ordering the sequel.
Aaaah, RS27s say the darndest things!
Now let me pinch your cheeks...no, not those ones! Ew! Get off me!
Haley Joel Osment wasn't dead in the 6th sense... bruce willis was.
come on. get it right.
I love this new rule that big earrings equals pretty. I wear big earrings all the time therefore I must be pretty. I just got a good self esteem boost!
he's completely missing the part about passing the note. you know the one:
will you be my girlfriend?
_yes _no _maybe (check one or more)
because that's how i got through all of college. an answer of 'maybe' got you to first base at least, second if things went well at first.
Wow.
Just: Wow.
I bet this kid grows up to be gay. I bet 5 bucks.
Kids are dumb.
holy crap that was hilarious. best post of my night, hands down. found you through the 20sb interview with lisa!
Say what you will about this kid, but "don't wear sweatpants" isn't half bad advice.
The thing is, this kid is now going to be under severe pressure to hook up early, hook up often, and hook up well for the rest of his life thanks to this book. Can you imagine if, once he hits his college years, he's constantly striking out? He'll be the butt of every one of his friends' jokes. Although I'm sure the money he's scoring from this book/movie deal will help cushion the blow.
No sweat pants? Is that what Plaxico was arrested for last week?
Lol! I just laughed out loud at my desk. I am sensing a strange, awkward reversal of penis envy, mr. goodbeard.
Awesome. Even 9 y/o's are getting more play than me nowadays.
I liked how you linked to yourself on your blog.
I didn't think 9 year old boys liked girls then.
Great, now I know it was me.
Thanks, RS.
what lbluca says. that's the first thing i thought when i saw him.
RS you should write a book listing how not to talk to girls. you're good at it.
just saw part of your interview on 20sb blog... you're in cable ad sales? for who? I'm a media buyer... used to do cable/network TV - now I'm all online... fun business, eh?! fruit loops and gossip girl... lovely!
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