It's Like I'm Paranoid Looking Over My Back

Dating.

It's what men and women do before they get "married", "have monsters sweet precious children", and "pay exorbitant fees for elaborate weddings."

We all know dating also extends to men and men, women and women, teacher and student, mom and son's best friend, horse and woman, horse and man..

This has taken an in interesting turn.

I got started a little late in the dating game as my friend, Denis Lemieux, can attest to. Let's just say that the college chicks weren't down with the brown. Or actually this brown. Damn, thanks for reminding me. The scars have not healed.

I'm bringing this up since my dating life ramped up after college even though I was living at home and was eating Hot Pockets every day for lunch. This meant that I either had no money or really really loved Hot Pockets. I'll go with both. Because of that, when I went out on "dates" or as I like to call them "Love Interviews", I Had to make sure they were within my budget. Also if any ladies would like to fill out a "Love Interview" here are some sample questions.

1. Name.
11. Breathing, yes/no
34. Answer this question..Can we have sex right now?

Yesterday I was logging onto Yahoo and saw something that said, go on cheap dates or something or other. Or maybe it said easy dates, which is something I could sign up for. Either way I looked at it and realized that I had almost done everything on the list and some of them did not turn out well. Let's see if Yahoo has any idea what they're talking about.

They actually don't talk because they are an entity and not a human, but let's not get "technical"

1. Don those matching aprons. Fire up the skillet for a night of cooking -- for the both of you.

When I first started dating this girl out of college we ended up cooking together at her apartment. Obviously we could not cook at mine since my mom would be barging in and asking us when we're going to get married. Everything was going smoothly as we were making lasagna when I proceeded to drop a pan of lasagna on the ground. Whoops. Unfortunately this wasn't I Love Lucy and a food fight didn't ensue. Damn you Ricky Ricardo. No, she cried. My two classes of Psychology, one of which I dropped out of, didn't prepare me for the onslaught of "My life is a mess" tears I heard that night.

Success scale - Kato Kaelin, famous for being not famous.

3. Head to the bookstore. Walk through the aisles together, showing each other your favorite books and bonding over the books you both hated.

I think this would have been a good idea if I didn't spend 30 minutes at the magazine rack reading what Rolling Stone was saying about Linkin Park. "Kim, they didn't curse on their whole first album!" When she came back asking her if she bought another "chick romance lit whatever" was not the right move.

Success Scale - Stephen Baldwin , you've seen him in things you just don't want to admit it.

4. Bowl him over at the bowling alley.

I'm super competitive. I may not show it, but I have to win. So the one night we went to the bowling alley I was determined to be champion. After an absolute destruction in the first game (I am a Bowling God!), the second game was much closer. I was up 9 pins in the last frame so my ex just needed a spare or strike to win. On her first roll she got a 7. "Oh god, I'm going down, I might cry, is that ok?" Then she got up to bowl and proceeded to roll a gutter ball. VICTORY! I took that as an opportunity to let her know she choked big time. "Who won? The losers? hahahahaha." I did not have relations that night.

Success Scale- Daughtry, didn't win the battle, but is winning the war.

5. Show him your rugged side and build something together.

One of the girls I dated bought herself a dresser from Ikea that she needed help putting together. I had actually worked at a furniture company and would have put it together in about 30 minutes. So I head over and realize that she has to do everything herself.

Me- Here let me help (grabs screwdriver)
Her- No I CAN DO IT!
Me- Ok, but I know...
Her- LEAVE ME ALONE!

Romance.

As I watched her struggle for an hour she finally let me help and we put it together. In the process of moving it into position we chipped the bottom of the dresser and cracked the back panel. I got blamed. Women be complaining.

Success Scale - Rembrandt - They only love you when you're dead.

9. Put on your walking shoes and head to the museum.
We went to a museum, I complained everything in there was either dead or put there by a dead person. It was a real pick me up.

Success Scale - Saturday Night Live from 2003- 2005. - It really wasn't funny or that enjoyable.

10. Take a class together. Sign up for a class in something neither of you know how to do.

I didn't actually do this with a girlfriend, but with one of my best friends that was a girl. In college we both took a summer Psychology class to get ahead on our credits. One day she came back from the student square and told me that she saw our teacher and that he hit on her. I said, "Well that's an A for you." She complained saying that she wasn't going to get any preferential treatment. We got the same grades on our quizzes and tests, but had one final paper. My final grade? B+, hers? A. This is the same girl that got a D in an open book math class.

Must be nice to have boobs.

Success Scale- The Boy Who Cried Wolf - He was right, but no one believed him.


12. Celebrate the first snow of winter with a day of sledding.

Went sledding once with myself in front steering and the girl on back holding on. As we go down the hill I realize we are heading straight for a tree. Since she can't see over me I yell" TREE! ABORT! ABORT!". I then proceed to jump of the sled while she is still on and she swerves on the sled due to the weight shift and rolls down the hill.

I never talked to her again.

Success Scale - Bill O'Reilly- He makes a lot of money and seems smart, but most people think he's a dick.


13. Help your community. Bummed that you can't afford a week-long vacation with your man? Put things in perspective and sign up for volunteer together for a cause you both care about. TiVo Gossip Girl and sign up to work at a soup kitchen once a week, or cuddle up with lovable cats and dogs at your local animal shelter.

I've never done this but they mention Gossip Girl so I left it in. I am Chuck Bass.


15. Attend an open mic night. Grab a cup of coffee and check out a local coffee shop's open mic night.

This was actually a pretty good night. We went out saw some horrendous comics and one pretty good girl playing guitar at the end of the night. She was really really good. Which made her equally attractive. So I'm looking at her play and my ex sees that I'm paying close attention.

Her- Like what you see?
Me- Yeah she's really good, her chord prog...
Her - Why are you staring at her chest?
Me- What?
Her- I know you're checking her out
Me- She's right in front of me!
Her- Well, guess what, she's only 15. Pervert.
Me- 15 is the new 24, no? no?
Her - Funny

I did not have relations that night.