All I Can Taste is Champagne

The last post of 2007. Tear. Ok, not really. 2007 started out horrible, was awesome in the middle and ended somewhat horribly. A veritable awesome sandwich if you will. No, not horrible sandwich. You don't call it a bread sandwich, do you? I think not.

If anybody comes to LA, you must go visit the Getty Villa in Malibu (actually Pacific Palisades, but same difference). Everyone says to go to the Getty Center, but the Villa is where its at. You can't just walk in, but you actually need a pass to get into the place. I was told that it's the hardest free pass to get in LA. Is this true? I don't know. That's what The Coug told me and I rolled with that. Its an awesome place to just take in all the sculptures and monuments. It was awesome. What made it better was the person I was spending it with. I'm not going to sit here and pretend I know anything about anything, but to have someone there that could break down the meaning of each piece and make it sound interesting was great.

The day part of the date went well and we decided to go out for a quick dinner. I really didn't think we were going to spend all day together since I inevitably make a mess of myself at some point during the day. Usually in these 3 ways.

1. Spill something on my shirt.
2. Fall Down.
3. Cut myself.

I can't tell you how many times I've looked down and seen myself bleeding. In fact it happened this morning. How? I don't know. I'm a bleeder. It's scary. Back to the story.

Somehow none of those three things happened and it went great. Dinner was fun and then we decided to rent a movie. I wasn't looking forward to this because the last time I was in a Blockbuster with a girl we ended up renting Mulholland Drive after 30 minutes of parading around the store. I fell asleep during the movie. Someone told me there was a lesbian make out scene and nudity. I saw none of this. Not to mention the part of the movie I actually saw made no sense to me. I am a simpleton. In conclusion, I hate Mulholland Drive.

The Coug picked out The Namesake. Partly because I'm Indian. If you haven't heard of the movie its about an Indian kid that grows up in America and his parents have their cultural values from India. He struggles with growing up American while dealing with his cultural roots. Basically this is my story. I was kind of uneasy that she picked it, but whatever I don't care. How bad could it be?

Alright it wasn't bad, but never before when watching a movie have I felt so connected to a character in the movie. Of course, there aren't many movies that have Indian guys as lead actors, but you know what I mean. Well, there was that one time I felt connected to Kenan Thompson's character in Good Burger, but that's different.

As I was watching the movie I felt a rage of emotions. I know its cliche, but I actually felt like this was my life. It started to really make me evaluate what it is I'm doing. Here I am, on a date no less, and I'm evaluating my relationship with my parents, if I've let them down, and what they think of me. It was pretty freakin' sobering experience. It really took everything in my body to not cry at points during that movie.

Crying on a date is bad.

If you watch the movie, maybe you'll understand, but it all hit so close to home. There were parts on the movie that weren't like my life, but I would say 85 percent of the movie accurately reflects my Indian upbringing and the differences we had growing up. It was sort of rough.

At one point The Coug looked over at me and asked me if I was ok. I did one of those things where you open your mouth, but nothing comes out before clearing my throat and saying, "Yeah, I'm a man, I'm good." She got a chuckle out of that.

So we ended up talking throughout the night about a lot of stuff. How she grew up, don't worry I got a jab in there about the "Sock hop" and watching black and white TV, and how I grew up. It was interesting to have a meaningful convo with someone new.

I'm sure there's some more detail that everyone wants, but I'll leave it at this. Her house is freezing in the morning.

Happy New Year, blogging peeps!

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Put Sufjan Stevens On

I've worked so much today that I'm going to give myself a well deserved pat on the ole' back. *pat pat* It's actually kind of hard patting your own back. Who came up with this expression? I would rather buy myself some ice cream.

Well tomorrow brings up date number 2 with The Coug. If you need a quick recap on the proceedings please read here and then here, and then here some more. Actually now that I think about it, those recaps aren't that quick, but whatever, you guys can deal with it. Suckas!

Anywho, date #2 is going to be a lovely day date in LA. Hopefully it doesn't turn into one of those Blind Date episodes where she picks her nose and then a huge random bubble pops up next to her face. Hold on. I'm being told that only viewers can see those pop ups and they are in fact not real. Get out! And here I thought the peeps like Professor Obvious and Sketchy Sam were real.

We decided to go to the lovely Getty Villa here in LA. It's in Malibu. Fancy. If you're also going to that place tomorrow please pretend that you don't know me. Don't be that guy. Or girl. We all know who I'm talking about. The person you run into when you're out that tells embarrasing stories about you when you're with someone new. In fact this happened to me one time. I was out with a girl on a second or third date and I randomly ran into one of my friends from college at a bar back home. If there was a list of people to run into, this guy would have been person 2,652 on the list. What a disaster.

Friend - "Hey R, What's up?!? Long time no see. How are things?
Me- *furiously looking around to make sure my date is not back from the bathroom*" Oh, things are cool, you know just working and putting away some money. You know how it is."
F- "Yeah, I know, hey have you seen K lately?"
Me- "Not really, I've talked to him a couple times, but..." *Date comes up behind me* "Oh, S this is (date's name)."

I then tell my date that we went to college together.

D- "Really? Wow, pretty random, huh?"
Friend- "Yeah, super random. Hey, remember when we went to that bar and you made out with that chick in front of everyone. Dude she was not cute."
M- "I think I was drunk"
F- " Yeah, you were hammered and then you fell up the steps of our apartment and just laid there on the steps. I think the cops walked you inside."
M - "Um, wait that was me?"
F- "Oh yeah and then you and my roommate started throwing PB &J at each other..."

At this point my date has walked away and thought she was dating some drunk frat boy. Awesome.

M -"Ok, gotta go."
F - "Dude, she's hot."
M -"Thanks, no really thanks. I'll see you, I don't know..never. Stupid."

I may or may not have said that last sentence. I don't know if that could have gone any worse. In fact I never saw that girl again. She did laugh about those stories, but I don't think she was cool about it. Good times. I called up my friend to actually verify at least part of this story and it in fact was true. College is awesome. Just not when you're on a date trying to be all mature.

So The Coug and I are going to be all grows up tomorrow. I will be King and She will be Queen and we will be Heroes for just one day.

Sorry that song is stuck in my head. Let's hope they don't serve peanut butter and jelly.

It's peanut butter jelly time!

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Sleep Easy

And we're back. I decided to take a couple of days to catch up on my Christian Bale movies and ice cream eating. I feel good. Aside from losing my driver's license it was a good two days. Also if anyone finds my DL please send to LA. I'll give you one virtual high five and 6 Kool-Aid points.

Well, it happened. It finally happened. I was waiting for the day when my dad got involved in the things that my mom questions me on. My mom calls me on Christmas Eve and she says, " Dad wants to say hi." Ok, cool I can deal with that. The first question out of his mouth?

"So when are you getting married?"

SWEET GOODNESS GRACIOUS!

Did that really just happen? My father, the man who's idea of a serious conversation is asking about the football game, just asked if I was getting married. While all this is going on my mom is giggling in the background like a 13 year old that just got a note in Mrs. Ramos' Spanish Class to go to the freshman dance. Of course, I answered in the only way that was appropriate.

"Dad, are you drunk?"

This did not go over well. Anyways, I called tomfoolery with that line of questioning. It totally felt like a set up. You know what would be great for getting married? Oh, I don't know, a girlfriend. Just a thought.

My mom is usually the one pushing me towards marriage, but now my dad is getting involved. Is there no justice? My dad is also the parent that likes to add years to my age. When I was 21 he said I had to grow up because I would be 23 soon. The other day it was, hey you'll be 30 in a year. Really next year? Hold on let me double check my age. Oh, its 27. Lets do some remedial math here 30-27 = 3. Is that right? Hold on let me get someone to look over my work. Ok, that's right.

Unreal. Not only do I get the marriage websites from my mom, but now my dad is camouflaging sneak attacks against me. Awesome. I would actually like to see my parents go through trying to set me up with someone. I can only imagine their survey.

1. Breathing?
2. Hands?
3. Woman?

Yup, that's about it.

Excuse me while I try to bite my own ear off.

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Eve of Christmas

Apparently no one blogs on Christmas Eve so I will. I had an awesome weekend. That is all.

My friends are awesome, this city is awesome and the guy watching some kind of movie with a lot of moaning in the office next to me is not awesome. Seriously, who does that? It didn't sound like a porno ( Aside- I have never seen a porno nor know what sounds come out of them, I am just repeating what I've been told.), but it could have easily been construed as one. It sounded like a lot of girl fighting though. I did not want to go over there. Can you imagine? Please don't. I'm begging you. Please, oh, you did, awful.

Anyways, I'll make this short and sweet since I am in the office today, but I'm bouncing out of this mofo in t minus 5 minutes.

Amazing Race Rankings

Non-elimination! What a joke. I really do hate these non-elimination legs as much as I hate Jen telling Nate that she loves him again. SHUT UP! Now that you guys aren't in the back of the pack you love each other? SHUT UP! I'm also tired of Jen saying, "We haven't ever finished first." Who cares? You only need to finish first at the end, stupid. Nate was right in using the fast forward because there was no incentive to do that. They were way out in front of the last place team. Of Course, TK and Rachel were too and they almost messed it up. Not like it would have mattered though. Guess who's last in the rankings?

5. Nate and Jen (Dating/Sucks/ Jen is annoying)- Can you tell I don't like them? Really? You can? Besides Jen now professing her love for Nate they are all happy and giving terrible high fives because they are first. Your typical frontrunners. There is no God if these two win.

4. Kynt and Vyxsin (Goths/Pink and Black Attack/ Kynt is wearing more lipstick than her) - Vyxsin was crying this week because she had been up for 30 hours straight. Understandable of course. Maybe if they hadn't decided to get up early and put makeup on they would have only been up for 26 hours like the other teams. Does Kynt have any expressions? Is that a mask he's wearing? I feel like underneath the mask is the face of Michael J. Fox or Sean Connery. Sean Connery NOW. They got lost and should have been eliminated because of Kynt not doing a damn thing. Good thing I bought him this gift card to Sephora for Christmas.

3. Ron and Christina (Father-Daughter/ Ron still pitching a fit)- Usually when I watch the show I have a set 3 that I want to see in the final episode. This year I only really have two and I guess these guys. Ron is annoying, Christina is getting annoying and they somehow can't find numbers on a board. What a debacle. When Christina mentioned that Prego was a spaghetti sauce and probably not the way to say thank you in Italian I definitely expected Ronald to shout out, "Silence! Your insolence will not be tolerated!" Sadly it did not happen. But next week it will.

2. TK and Rachel (Dating Hippies/ TK got high/ Peace and Harmony man)- Hey, these guys got upset this week. TK told Rachel that if they don't find the clue they lost they "have to prepare to go home." What? That's it? Hippies. We both know there's a deleted scene before TK gets in the airplane this week where he's all like, "Hey Rachel, I'm going to get so high, man. Ha. High." It's probably going to be on the CBS website. I did like when they went back for the clue that it looked like some person had pocketed it. What a great souvenir! I went to Italy and all I got was this Amazing Race clue. Classic.

1. Nicolas and Donald (Grandson-Grandfather/Love the old peeps!) Welcome Back! They made the best move of the Race by hitting up the Fast Forward. There's only one and you have to take a shot at some point and they did. I did like how Donald said that he's driven "thousands of miles a year." So somehow Donald has been gold mining, camel milking and drives all over the country. He does it all! I did like how their little message from home said, "Dad, don't embarrass me." Whoops. Does getting down to your underwear and vaulting across a pit count? How about calling the sisters hot and bitchy? Ok, just making sure.

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Christmas Time in the City

It's almost Christmas. Whoo-Hoo! This reminds me of my favorite Christmas song.

It's Christmas time again
It's time to be nice to the people you can't stand all year
I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer

-Blink 182

Whoops. I guess that's not very Christmassy. But it gets me in the mood for some reason. Maybe it's because of my innate like for anything that has to do with Blink 182. Actually innate makes no sense in that sentence. Whatever. It's Christmas. I shall do as I please and please as I do. Done and Done.

I always end up starting Christmas shopping way too late, but this year I've decided to do some good deeds while doing my shopping. Not to sound all high-falutin, but everytime I go out shopping I wonder how much money I spend on people and not enough on charity. Last night I went to Ralph's and the Salvation Army dude was outside in the rain ringing his bell. Ding. Ding. I decided that no matter what I get in the store I'm giving whatever is left in my wallet to the Salvation Army.

It turned out to be a whopping 4 dollars and 52 cents.

Here is my problem.

That little slot that they have in the can or bucket or whatever is not really fit to accommodate dollar bills. I don't remember the slot being that small ever. I go up to bell ringing dude and now I don't know what to do. I have 4 bills and they are not going to fit in that tiny slot. I take out each individual bill and put it in. One at a time.

Bell ringer = not happy.

Seriously? I'm giving you money. Back off. He gives me this look that because I'm taking so long putting the money in that I'm blocking other people. Whatever. Get a bigger bucket. This is 2007. Sorry this isn't 1962 when putting a quarter in the tin made a big difference. People give dollars nowadays. It's crazy. Dolla Dolla bill ya'll.

So I finished after about 30 seconds and I said, " Happy Holidays."

Nothing.

No response.

Salvation Army, you have just lost a customer. Wait, do they have customers? No? Ok, you have a lost a friend.

Justin Timberlake wouldn't have had this problem.

I'm growing tired of all this Christmas cheer.

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The Epitomy of Public Enemy

Toys R Us- 1
RS27- negative 34

I can not imagine having kids and going to the absolute hell that is Toys R Us once a month or once a year or once a decade. I'm pretty sure on the levels of hell scale Toys R Us is a solid 9.4. What could be worse? I don't know. Iraq? Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch? Up Janet Reno's skirt? Those are the only three things I could see being worse than the experience I had at Geoffrey's place. Or as my mom says, "Gee-off-ree."

The last time I've been in a Toys R Us was probably 1997, which ironically enough was my senior year of high school. Back then I remember going in, looking at some video games, and throwing a nerf football over 4 aisles while my buddy would catch it and then spike it in some stay at home mom's cart.

Winner.

Last night was a reunion of sorts. Not like the Led Zeppelin reunion, but more of the reunion where you see your ex after a long time. Only in this reunion the ex got fat, had 38 kids and then ran over your foot with a freakin transformer.

I digress.

So I walked in last night and right away it was bad news. The place smelled. Smelled like kid sweat. That would make for a great cologne. Toys R Us puts out their new brand of cologne: "Eau du kidsweat."

Awesome.

It was at this point I just wanted to pick up a toy for my friend's son and get out. I'm walking around just looking for the toy car section. What kid doesn't like toy cars? I did. They were great until I ripped the wheels off and threw them at my brother. After that they weren't really functional. Where was I?

Oh right. Hell.

As I try to find out exactly where this magical toy car land is I get hit in the leg. Not by a nerf football. Oh no. By a kid. I had a kid that ran right into me. Not to mention this kid had spaghetti stains on his shirt and was huffing and puffing out of breath.

Lord give me strength.

Did I mention that I was wearing my work clothes? Yeah pants and a shirt. It felt like I went to a beach party with a tuxedo on. After Lunchbox flew into me, I found the toy car section. Everything was open. I've never seen so many boxes of stuff open and laying around. Are parents in such a rage that they just open everything? It look like Godzilla has trampled Tokyo. It was a mess.

I grab the toy and decide to get out of there. On the way to the cashier's line I step on a toy. What is this? A living room? Kids are just on the the ground playing with toys. Someone please get me out of here.

I turn the corner and ,of course, the line is longer than anything I've ever seen. It wraps around two aisles and it's complete debacle. It was at this time that I wanted to just throw money on the ground and walk out with the toy. I also was contemplating what would be the least messy way to beat myself over the head with a Thomas Train set.

Thankfully a cashier line opened up and I cut about 75 people in line and ran over there. Go me, its my birthday, I'm gonna party like it's my birthday.

If I ever have kids they will never know about Toys R Us. I'll filter it out.

No more toys.

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24 Hour Party People

If Friday was fun, then Saturday was the funnest. Not only was it another holiday party, but we got to play dress up. Whoo-hoo! I love me some 1920s costumes. Not that I've ever worn a 1920s outfit, but it seemed to be right up my alley. Suit, hat, handkerchief. Who doesn't like wearing a handkerchief? Not I, that is for sure.

I spent Saturday afternoon running around to try to find a white tie. Let me tell you, it is not easy finding a plain white tie. I don't need your fancy stripe ties people, just give me your finest white. I knew as soon as I bought it though, that I was going to spill something on it. That was a guarantee. I don't think I've ever worn anything white and not spilled on it. Slob.

We got dressed, the girls looked pretty and I looked awesome. I will say I rarely dress that great, but if this was the 1920s and I was a white Italian dude the ladies would have loved me. As it turns out this 2007 and I'm an Indian dude dressed as an Italian mobster. Chicks dig me? Not so much.

It was at train station downtown. That's right LA does have public transportation. In your face, America! Of course only in LA would you throw a 700 person company party at a train station. How vain is LA? Seriously. I got a great idea for a party. Rent out the train station downtown. No one uses it anyway! Brilliant!

It was pretty cool, everyone was dressed up and there was another open bar. Go Christmas! There was a dinner and then everyone got all funky town. Nothing better than seeing people dressed in 20s clothes getting down to Fergalicious.

I'll give you a running timeline of the proceedings.

8 p.m. - Show up.
8:02 p.m. - Drink.
8:06 p.m. - Realize that I don't feel like drinking.
8:36 p.m. - Still working on the first drink, more people start to show up including a guy wearing a kilt. Kudos to that guy. They said 1920s theme, but they didn't say which COUNTRY. Understood.
8:37 p.m. - Gave that guy a high five.
8:45 p.m. - Listened to the lady that was singing music from the 20s. She asked everyone if they had any requests. Um ,what? Who knows any music from the 20s?
9 p.m. - Still no requests. Shocker.
9:20 p.m.- The good ole mingle. This is tough because everyone was allowed to bring a plus one and since I didn't work there it was really hard to tell who worked at that company and who didn't.
9:45 p.m. - Embarrassed myself 3 times by asking people that don't work there what they do there. Whoops.
9:55 p.m. - Where's the DJ?
10 p.m. - There he is. It's getting down time.
10:10 p.m.- London Bridge by Fergie. Remember this.
10:30 p.m. - My friend just fell down on the dance floor. I had 10: 15 in our little friend pool. I lost. She spilled a little of her drink on my tie. It was cranberry juice. Screw this tie.
10:45 p.m.- My Humps by Fergie.
10:55 p.m. - Is the DJ really playing Hero by Enrique Iglesias? This reminds me of every rollerskating party I went to when I was younger. "Couples only." I cried in the corner until this song was over.
11:06 p.m. - Fergalicious by Fergie. I'm all Fergie'd out.
11:10 p.m. -1155 p.m.- Whooping it up on the dance floor. People are starting circles and other people are dancing in the middle. This is awesome. Some 19 year old intern just went crazy. He is the hit of this party.
12: 08 a.m.- There are 5 guys in the bathroom stall smoking pot. We have now graduated this party to the 60s.
12:30 a.m. - I just made fun of some girl for her cigarette holder thing. She is not pleased. She throws her gingerbread man cookie at me.
12:31 a.m.- I pick it up and throw it back
12:32 a.m. - She steps on it. I win!
12:33 a.m. -1:30 a.m.- I don't remember. Dancing, talking to people, somebody just called me Leonard I think.
1:30 a.m. - Go home in a free taxi. Awesome. The cabbie talks my ear off the whole time. I get it. We're both from the East Coast. Just get me home.
2:10 a.m. - Pass out.

It's so delicious.

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Gimme Gimme More Gimme Gimme

I heard that song a total of 37 times this weekend so everyone here is going to be subject to having that stuck in your heads. Suckas!

It was a weekend of holiday parties. Friday took me to our office party. It started at the late hour of 1 p.m. Is there any reason to start a holiday party that early? Open bar when the sun is still up on a weekday can never be a good thing. Like I said I only was going to know about 4 people there because my boss wasn't going and I don't really know anyone else other than a couple peeps on this floor.

Let the insanity begin.

I got there a little late and they had set up some blackjack and poker tables because you could trade in your chip winnings for raffle tickets. Then those raffle tickets could be put into certain drawings such as a $25 gift certificate to Trader Joe's. Whoo-Hoo! Food prizes. Awesome. Apparently a gift certificate to the phone company was not an option. Actually there were some really good prizes like an Ipod Nano, trip to San Diego and male stripper dances.

Thankfully it was my night off.

Hey-oh!

Anyways, I found out I was ineligible to win any of the prizes due to a little known rule that I'm not allowed to win anything. I walked in to the bar and people are trashed already. At 2 in the afternoon. Gotta love open bar. I actually walked in and people were doing shots of Jack Daniels. I remember when me and Jack were pals. We'd hang out on birthdays and he would give me a good time. Not anymore. Good thing I didn't partake in any of that.

Of course I wasn't eligible for any prizes so I by far had the most amount of chips at the end of the time to gamble. I probably got about 9,253 raffle tickets. You know the easiest way to make friends?

Raffle Tickets.

I love America. I'm not sure if this is true in Europe or any other foreign country, but Americans love raffle tickets. We could stop gang violence by giving away an "arm's length" of raffle tickets to gang leaders. People love this stuff.

I gave away my tickets and sat around. Actually I danced around. Like a fool. Not shocking. This was the first time hearing Britney this weekend. First of many.

Back to the raffle tickets.

I gave them away alternately choosing the hot girls and people I knew. Smooth, I know. Even though I've never heard a girl say," Oh, you gave me your tickets, let's make out." One day this will happen. We will be happy. Black and white will live together in harmony.

Of course I found out that the tickets I gave away won about 4 of the prizes. How did I find this out? The holiday office party after party! What What!

You know what I'm talking about. The part where people think they haven't had enough to drink for free that they go out and go drink some more with everyone in the office. A brilliant plan. So about 30 people go out to this other bar at about 7.

This is a bad idea.

I would say of those 30 a good 16 were righteously hammered. No doubt, eyes closed, slosh-faced.

It's 7 p.m.

This is where everyone becomes super friendly. In fact this is the conversation I had with someone.

RS- Hey I see you you all the time, what's your name again?
Some Guy- Mraggj, HEY, you're the guy that nvgre andkfm wlksj by my office.
RS- Cool.

Of course with every outing it ends with me talking to a girl that ends up horrifically bad. So a group of us are sitting down having fun and I'm chatting up this cute girl. I've seen her at her desk and stuff, but have never done anything about it. We're talking having a good time and I end up getting her number with my sexy good looks and charming personality.

Actually I made fun of her glasses. She had old person glasses! All it needed was a chain on it and maybe some tint. Sorry I can't let that go. I did call her grandma a couple times. Get it? Old Glasses. Grandma? Huh? Well this got her pretty charged up and we ended up debating about random topics. She loved it. I got her number and then we stood up to say bye and then I noticed.

She's about 2 inches taller than me.

Why? God why? Why is my mom 4'11? Horse manure. Not that the height thing is a deal breaker, but it is sort of uncomfortable. I mean it's not like she's like a 6'5 King Kong, but being taller does kind of suck. Actually that would be a mini King Kong. We'll call her Mini Kong. I saw the look Mini Kong gave me and it wasn't one of those this was nice looks. It was a more disappointing look.

What am I supposed to do? Sorry I'm shorter than you, stupid. I tried hanging myself by my ankles when I was 10. It didn't work. I'm buying platforms. Screw it. Probably those platforms with the fishtank in the bottom.

Yeah that's it.

Saturday night 20's party recap coming soon.

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Holiday. Celebrate.

Well, It's Holiday Party time. So I needed to be out of here, oh, an hour ago. But alas I am still here. Yay work! So this is going to be quick until later. It's an afternoon holiday party which should be interesting. It should also be interesting because I'll know about 3 people there. Maybe 3 and a half. Let's see how this goes. Here's hoping these 3 things don't happen.

1. Get Drunk

2. Fall Down

3. Dance like moron

I'm guessing 2 of those 3 are going to happen. They always do.

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Treat Me Like a Felon

I got pulled over today.

The cop did not look like this.

I never know what to do in these situations. The policeman used the nice loudspeaker to tell me to pull over. "Make a right on Butler, make a right on Butler." Couldn't there be a more inconspicuous way of pulling someone over? How about a hand signal? No? It's embarrassing enough you're getting pulled over, but do you need anyone to know that you need directions because you're dumb? Imagine if they started doing this where you work.

"Stop looking at the porn. Stop looking at the porn."

Geez, I get it. It's not like I'm going to out race you on one of the busiest streets in LA. In fact I pulled over right away and proceeded to stop traffic until I got the warning. People were honking at me. Really? Really? I'm getting pulled over here stupid. I'm not stopping to go get a croissant and a coffee. Jackasses.

Anyways the cop pulls me over and I'm eating an apple. This might be one of the most awkward things to eat. You can't just put an apple down. Once you put it down you can't eat it anymore. And I'll be damned if I paid 5 bucks for 5 apples and am just going to waste one. Let's go through the list of things I did before the cop got out of his car and asked for license and registration.

1.) Unbuckled my seat belt.
2.) Dropped my wallet under the seat.
3.) Almost dropped my apple
4.) Tried to hide my bong pipe.

I only made one of those things up. In the list of things you should not do when you get pulled over I would say unbuckling your seat belt and dropping your wallet are probably always numbers one and two. I'm smart.

So now the cop tells me that my registration for my car is up. Thank you LA DMV for sending me a reminder. I hate you. Now I'm still eating my apple. I'm sure I couldn't look anymore defiant unless I was brandishing a glock. Imagine how this looked for the cop. Guy eating an apple while answering his questions. I'm all class baby.

He asks for license and insurance. I have to explain to him I dropped my wallet under the seat. This is a cop's worst nightmare. I could have anything under there. Machine gun, Hand Grenade, Miniature Ganesh. Anything. He tells me to go real slow and make sure he can see my other hand. Basically I'm holding up an apple and trying to grab my wallet. It was a show. I'm sure this stuff happens to him everyday. Some idiot trying to save his apple while getting a wallet.

I rule.

I forgot to mention that I got a lecture on taking off my seat belt. Lucky for me he was nice enough about it and let me go. Thanks. I actually wanted a seat belt ticket too. That's why I did it. Well, I'm pulled over enjoying my red delicious and these kids start walking by and laughing at me. Laugh it up kids. Laugh it up. So I finished my apple and hit them upside the head with the core.

Ok, I didn't do that, but I was thinking about it. Actually I started pointing at them and giving them the "mean" look. My "mean" look is basically a half smile and a thumbs up. Don't mess with me. If I see those kids again, it is going to be on. They best be watching out because I will do something. Yes, yes I will. I would destroy them in a game of Guitar Hero. Destroy.

To finish up this ridiculously stupid story, the cop gives me a warning. What are you supposed to say now? Thanks? Thanks for making me a half hour late. Thanks for pulling me over. Thanks for using the loudspeaker. Screw that. I'm not thankful for any of that. If he had given me a high five with the ticket, maybe I would have said thank you. It was kind of awkward though.

"Any more questions, sir?"
"Nope."
"Ok, then."
"Ok, to you to."

That'll show him.

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I'm in the Business of Misery

Yeah, I sucked out yesterday with only the amazing race rankings post. I suck. Alot. I can't help it. I was feeling really tired yesterday. Must have been from all the heavy weight lifting I did. Hey which way to the weight room? That way *points arm". Yeah I'm awesome.

So we went out last night. Just hanging out, nothing big. These two girls walk in and one of them is really cute. In fact they're both cute. In fact they both look alike. That's right, we have sisters at the bar. I never know how to handle this situation. Sisters have that bond where there is no way you can talk to one without the other giving some kind of evil eye. By evil eye I mean looking at me like I should disintegrate myself with a laser. A really big laser.

So I pull the good ole' "Talk to one while engaging the other one in conversation that's not really conversation because you want her to make like a tree and get out of there." This does not work. The uber cute one is talking to me and the sister is just looking. Whoops. I have failed.

Now I'm in big trouble. The only way to turn this situation around in my favor is to actually find someone to get to talk to the sister. What are my options? Hmm, we have drunk friend in this corner. Pass. We have really way to talkative friend over here. Ok, that could work. Then we have extremely old guy that's lonely and probably has good stories over here. Winner! That's right I drag the old guy into the conversation.

I started off with a "Hey, pops!" Why? Because old people like being called pops. It's true I read it once. Ok, I lied. I can't read. But anyway I dragged him into our conversation on 1920's costumes. The reason? Because I have a 1920's party to go to on Saturday. (Aside- I asked my friend if I'm allowed to go to a 1920's party because, you know, there weren't that many, how you say, minorities out and about in the 20's. She was not impressed.) Well, he was a hit. On and on about the roaring 20s. God Bless him. We are friends.

I'm chatting up the sister and attempting to get to the digits part of the convo. Yeah you see where this is going. We're hitting it off, I'm funny and bam. It felt like Macaulay Caulkin dropped a brick on my face.

The old guy left.

I guess there was an episode of Murder, She Wrote on. Stupid Angela Lansbury.

So I'm sitting there trying to ask for this girl's number and now the sister is back in play. Dammit! Needless to say she totally blocked me. She jumped in with something about going home or something and it was game over. I tried to salvage it, but it came off as pathetic. Shocker. The lesson here?

Make sure old guys aren't your wingman.

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Amazing Race Rankings - Yeah, I'm late. Sue me. Actually don't because I would like to keep my money please. Well, it was really two separate episodes this week. Once these idiots stopped playing ticket line roulette it became a Nate/Jen, Vyksin/Kynt, and Ronald/Christina episode and then the second half were the other 3 teams. I didn't like it. Right at beginning you knew one of 3 teams was going home. Sucked. I am shocked, though, that in every country they've gone a majority of people are speaking English. Where are the non English speaking places? That's what makes this fun. This week we got a lot of boob shots, more yelling and grandpa becoming a one man team.

6. Azaria and Hendekea - Brother/Sister/ Lovers- Creep factor - 9.5. On the episode these guys go away they become the creepiest. Really why is he calling her baby girl? Why? This is not creepy? That and the fact he has his arm around her looking over the sunset. Yeah. Let's not go any further.

5. Nate and Jen - Dating/ Screamy McScreamersteins - The info for this episode said, " One team falls apart during the detour." Wow, wonder who that would have been. To be fair they didn't really fall apart. I was expecting Nate to jump out of the boat and swim back to America while screaming, "Freedom!" Jen continued whining that, "It's not fair." Really it's not fair? Shut up. When they reached the mat, their non excited half high five was pretty awesome.

4. Ronald and Christina - Father/Daughter/Dad's got a hernia and uses phrases that make no sense - Surprisingly Ronald wasn't the most annoying family member of the team this week. Christina, come on down. Man, she was irritating. "We're proving teamwork wins the Amazing Race." Exactly where have they been using teamwork? Oh, when they were rowing the boat. No, Ronald did that on his own. Oh, booking airline tickets. Nope, Christina did that on her own. Oh, yelling at other teams. Nope that's Ronald. Being bossy. Cha-ching! Christina told Ronald he was rowing the boat wrong when he was doing it right. Ronald tells Christina to fossilize information. Yup we got it.

3. Nicolas and Donald - Grandson/Grandpa - The kid does nothing - This team drops to the 3 spot because while they aren't as annoying as the others, they are slowly getting there. What does Nicolas do? Grandpa puts the rocks in the wall, grandpa rows the boat. Really Nicolas? He's like 975 years old. Maybe you should take some of the physical tasks. By the way when they came to the mat and the cannon went off was anyone else expecting Donald to fall down? I know I was.

2. Tk and Rachel - Dating Hippies/ Hippies!- I like their rationale for not getting out of line at the airport. "We're sticking to our gameplan." Come on TK, we all know how the conversation went.

"Hey should we move lines?"
"Man, it's all the way over there."
" Yeah, I'm cool in our spot. Chillin'"

They got a bad break with the airlines but they just keep moving right along. I've never seen a team never argue on this race. This has to be a record.

1. Kynt and Vyksin - Dating Goths /Vyxsin's losing clothing by the week - Like Mooooog35 pointed out a few weeks ago, Vyxsin is sneaky hot. This week she showed off the boobs and CBS took every advantage to show them off. In fact we saw about 67 boob shots. Interesting. Yet again, this team does the physical task and Vyxsin kills it. I did like how Kynt said Vyxsin's dad was a military man. I'm sure bringing Kynt home was just what he was looking for. By the way I wonder if they really are together. Have they kissed once? They gave each other a fist bump at the mat, it was weird.

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Here's a Letter For You

All the cool kids are doing it, so I'm writing a letter to my 13 year old self for a couple reasons.

1.) Because my weekend was entirely unexciting for a full post
B.) It sounds cool
4.) It's my blog.

Here goes.

Dear RS,

Hey what's up. Yes, this is you from the future. Um, no you have not created a time machine that you've been dreaming of since last year. I know it's depressing. Unbelievably, the time machine is not on a list of upcoming inventions. I am just as appalled as you. Don't worry I have not given up your dream.

On the bright side you are going to go the college that you've wanted to go to since you were 10. That's a big plus. On the non bright side high school is going to suck for you. Really, it's going to be bad. You're funny, charming and ridiculously, ridiculously good looking (That line is going to become big in 2001. I suggest you start using it) but girls aren't going to be into you for a couple reasons. Number one is because you don't ask anyone out. Really that's the only reason. So here's some advice. Grow a pair and ask out Katie Spencer* in 9th grade. Just do it. It's going to go terribly and you'll probably be rejected, but at least you'll realize life isn't like the movies. One more thing, you're going to get kicked out of home room in 9th grade for being late to report. Play this up like you're upset. Jenny Garger* will give you a hug for it. She likes you. Yeah she does. Don't blow it.

Also you'll be friends with the nerds and the jocks. On the surface this seems like a great idea. Best of both worlds. Well, yeah not so much. You're not going to be invited to any parties and your nerd friends are going to resent you for being a jock. You're screwed. Godspeed.

Now while you life seems like it sucks (it does) college is awesome. I won't ruin it for you except these parts. The first day of school you are finally going to go after a girl. Of course you pick the hottest girl in your orientation class. Smart move. Ok, here's the deal. Make a move on her. Don't just sit there. She is hot. Why she likes you, you'll never know, but she does. If you don't make a move your best friend is going to take her away. I'm warning you.

Freshman year, Grandpa is going to die suddenly. You will cry and no one will see. You think your day can't get any worse but you will go into the cafeteria and fall down and your tray will flip over head. People will laugh at you. Don't get up. Because if you get up right away you're going to fall again. Pretend to be dead. This will make it much easier to take. One more thing, don't eat the meatloaf. Don't do it.

Really the next 4 years because a blur of awesomeness and forgetting stuff. Yeah you drink. Sometimes a lot. And its cool. You're going to meet some of the best people of your life including your best friend sophomore year of college. A girl. That's right your best friend is going to be a girl. It's going to be a girl for a long time so get over yourself. No, you're not gay. Really you're not.

Oh one more thing. Don't drive to that Weezer concert. Have someone else drive. Trust me. You're just going to end up in a snow bank in New York and out 600 bucks.

So where does that leave us? Well you're going to move to LA. Yup that's right. Los Angeles. You will high five Jack Black and make fun of Zach Braff. Believe me you will know who Zach Braff is. He lives in Jersey too so maybe you should become his buddy. In fact that's a great idea. Do that. Become his friend. You'll thank me later. But before I wrap up here I want to give you a list of things to do before you graduate high school.

1.) Write a show about how teams of two travel around the globe in 30 days doing challenges and getting eliminated. It's not a scripted show. It's reality. Yes an unscripted show. It's like the Real World.

2.) Something called the Internet takes off in a couple years. Start a website. In fact make it a website where you can search for things. It's going to be called a search engine. I beg you to do it. I know you have no idea what these words mean, but just remember. Put the Archie comic book down.

3. ) You are going to be playing mini baseball inside the house next year. Your brother is going to swing a souvenir baseball bat. One word of advice. Duck.


I know you probably threw this out after the first sentence because its way too long for you to handle. But that's cool. I feel you. Oh, one more thing, in 2007 you are going to start a personal journal on the Internet. People will actually read what you to say. Start saving some stories.

-RS

P.S. Oh you know that show about the teams traveling around the world? You're going to love it. So much so that you do rankings of all the teams every week. Yup, you are a geek.


*Unreal names.

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I Don't Mind Stealing Bread

Stealing is bad. This is what we've been told all our lives. Don't steal anything because you could go to jail. Really? Jail? I understand if you rob a bank, yeah, you're going to the hoosegow, but most people aren't going to jail for taking a pack of starburst from 7-11.

I was reading Arjewtino's blog and it got me thinking. How could someone be Argentinian and Jewish? That makes no sense. But thankfully he answers that question in his Q and A's. I was also thinking about how many times I've been a witness to a crime. Petty Crimes. This should be it's own CSI. CSI: Petty Crimes starring David Schwimmer as the lead detective and Billy Bob Thornton as the goofy, chain smoking doctor. Who's with me? Anyone?

Anyway, I have a friend who loves taking things. I think it's just in her blood. A little Billy the Kid, if you will. Oh, I'm being told Billy the Kid killed people. Um, lets go with Bonnie, from Bonnie and Clyde. Wait, she killed people too? Dammit. Isn't there an old west person that just stole hats or something? Fine, whatever. She likes taking things. Period. You know we would walk out of 7-11 and she would open up a pack of Orbit. Which was weird because she didn't buy anything and I just asked her for gum 5 minutes earlier.

"I took it."
"Stole?"
"Borrowed."

Right, borrowed it. Forgot. So every once in a while we'd go shopping for clothes and she would always have something that didn't belong to her and that she didn't pay for. The best one was when we went to this one store that's pretty famous. We'll call it Suburban Outfitters. You know, just to keep it anonymous.

We're walking around and I picked out a wonderfully overpriced $25 t-shirt. She wanted to buy some kind of jacket so we walk around and I act interested. She picks up this necklace and puts it on and I say, "Oh it looks good on you." She was a little worried about the price though and didn't want to spend the money on it. Of course this question came next. " What if I take it?"

Awesome.

Really, I don't want to know. If you're going to take something just take it and tell me when we leave so I can act like I had no idea. Now I'm an accomplice. No wants to be Chong to your Cheech. I know she's going to take it and really am powerless to stop her. We walk around for a little bit and she rips the tag off and puts it in her purse.

Anyone that knows me now knows that I'm freaking out. "Oh my God, Oh My god, we're going to jail. Its over. My mom is going to be pissed. Like really pissed. Have I memorized any numbers to get myself out? Stay cool, Stay cool dammit!" My friend tells me to stop being a little girl and to suck it up. We walk around for a little more and finally we pay.

I'm acting weird. I'm not really looking at the cashier and she starts making small talk.

"How are you?"
"Huh?"
"How are you?"
"Excuse?"

Real smooth. I can imagine myself trying to rob a bank.

"You right there give me some of that..stuff...that helps pay for stuff."
"Money?"
"Yeah, that's the ticket."

Anyway we leave the store and no one is worse the wear. Right when we left I turned around and yelled, "Sucka!", at the store, but no one had any idea what I talking about. I think I did a little raise the roof dance.

Stealing is fun. Let's do it again sometime. By sometime I mean never.

"Kinko's is my favorite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered."

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You're the Best Around

We're getting a late start on today because I think I'm t-minus 125 minutes from getting reamed out at work here for being sucky. Seems like a valid reason. I mean its a better reason than let's pick on the Indian guy again. I hate that game. Well that game never happens, but if it was a game, man, I would hate it.

I don't really have a lot of time (see above) so let's run through some TV stuff. Because I can.

Beauty and the Geek- I've already talked about what an absolute fustercluck this whole season was and the finale did not disappoint. They tried to make it a reunion and reveal all in one. All we needed was Jeff Probst coming out and conking someone over the head with a full pocket protector. The finale was an America's vote between Dave and Jasmine (Dave rules!) and Sam and Nicole (Yawn..). I hope I didn't give away who I was rooting for. It was amazing how far Dave and Jasmine had come from the beginning. They pretty much didn't like each other and at the end Dave was giving Jasmine a big hug and showing everyone her thong. Kudos.

So the usually blah blah blah reunion stuff. How is your dating life (for the geeks), are you going back to school (for the beauties), could you fast forward through this anymore (for myself). One interesting thing was that they revealed who the fans though was the hottest beauty. Who won? Sam. Which goes to prove I am the only male watching this show. God, someone give me a freakin Cosmopolitan and a dress. I'm pathetic.

At the end Dave and Jasmine won, confetti was stuck their foreheads and host Mike Richards was already recruiting for next season. Good day. Let's pick it up Ashton Kutcher. I expect more.

The Real World - I'm sorry, but I can't enough of this. This season has already seen two housemates leave (Shauvon because her boyfriend demanded that she return home and Trisha who pushed Parisa. Yes, those are their real names). The reason I bring this up is because this season of The Real World may have the greatest Real World cast member ever. Isaac. I'm begging you to sit through an episode and see how awesome he is. We shall be friends.

I did like this year how MTV decided to publish e-mails. Awesome. One of the dudes cheated on his girlfriend with this other chick in the house (I understand that read like a Real World mad lib). The chick writes an e-mail to a friend back home and MTV captions it! "Let me update you with what's been going on with me and Dunbar. Last night we had sex. You CANNOT tell anyone." Whoops. Bet she didn't see that coming.

Survivor - Since I mentioned Jeff Probst I should mention I watch this show too. Godspeed.

A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila - I will admit I don't really keep up with this show, but I end up watching them back to back when it's on. Seriously could Tila Tequila be any more cartoonish? She's a mess. Doesn't know if she wants to date a girl or a guy. What croc. The last episode I saw was the "visiting families" episode. Yeah I'm sure this is how she acts ALL the time. Giving lap dances to grandmas. Talking about sex at the dinner table. Yup, not a set up at all. Totally believable. I was half expecting one of these moms to drop a meatloaf on her head. I have no idea why I watch this show.

That's all I got today. I'll be better tomorrow. Maybe.


"This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard."

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Tastes like Burning

This is Ralph Wiggum. He is the author of today's blog title. Congrats.

Before I start I would like to mention I've added some more blogs to my blogroll. I don't like that word. Blogroll. I'm going to call it Blogscroll. Yup, that's it. So go check those peeps out.

I've mentioned before how I've seen some weird stuff in LA before. On Sunday I saw the some thing I've never ever seen in my life. Maybe someone could explain exactly what I should have done in this situation.

I went to go grab lunch at this "Hawaiian BBQ" place and bring it back home. I put that in quotes because I've never been to Hawaii. They have good BBQ? I don't know, but this place is pretty sweet. It's more of a fast food chain I would say, but I like it and its about .4 miles from my house. I drove.

So this lady is in front of me in line and she has about 37 bags (approx.) in front of her while she's ordering. I really have no idea how she held them all. If holding bags was an Olympic competition she would have been Carl Lewis. Except the being a man part.

Anyway, she orders her food and goes outside for a smoke. While leaving her 37 bags (approx.) in the store. Weird I thought, but since I was the only one in the store she probably thought I wasn't going to take it. Well played lady.

I get my food and go outside, she's about to light her cigarette and reading a book. Interesting. Reading. I should give that a shot. Sounds like it could be fun. I'm going to preface this by saying, you are not going to believe what happened and I am 100 percent not making this up.

She lit the book on fire.

SHE LIT THE BOOK ON FIRE!

She used a match and I guess forgot to blow it out. When she went to throw it out, it hit the book and started burning the pages. How is this possible? Is the book made of gasoline? I honestly thought it was a magic trick. I will say when I get in these ridiculous situations, I right away start looking for cameras. This is not the best thing to do.

So while this lady's book is on fire, I'm staring at her like she's juggling three swords while doing a horrendous Sinbad impression. Sinbad- still love that guy. Anyways, she looks at me and starts yelling at ME! Like this is somehow my fault.

"Aren't you going to do something?"
"Huh, (looks around), Me?"
"Yeah, you, help me out here."
"Ok, what do you need?"
"I don't know."
" Um, ok, put the book down, lady, PUT THE BOOK DOWN!"

She puts it down and stomps out the fire. Then I poured my juice on it. You know, just in case.

Did she really need me to tell her to put the book down? Really? I was expecting her to say it was some rare book and start blaming me for something. I've seen the movies. So the fire is out and she goes back inside like nothing happened. She left the burnt book on the sidewalk and left. Like this happens all the time.

"Hey, hon, how was your day?"
"Oh, you know, went shopping, got my nails done, burned a copy of Catcher in the Rye. Same old."

I picked up the book and threw it out. I would have kept it if it wasn't half burned or a Danielle Steele book called La Villa. Anyone read that one? Yeah, didn't think so.

LA is so great.

"On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?"

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Hot For Teacher

I've been tagged again. Man, I need to get faster or something because everyone keeps getting me. Hey-OH! My jokes stink. But Bella tagged me for something pretty interesting, so I'm going to give it a shot. It actually involves thinking, which is my kryptonite, but I shall try to make this entertaining. I would also like to point out, that I hated school which is why I spent most of my time in college playing pool in our house. Or Foosball. We had both. Foosball sucks though because its these two (or three) little dudes attached by a stick and if you spin the handle they both move. Only one should move. I stand by this. And then you have to move it in and out and you're bent over the table, its very physically demanding. (That sentence was kind of dirty. If any kids are reading this, Earmuffs. Or maybe EYE PATCH! or something.) Where was I? Oh yes, tagging. If this is not entertaining, watch this.

Rules: Devise a list of 5-10 courses you would take to fix your life. It's more fun to be in classes with friends, so include one class from the person who tagged you that you'd also like to take.

Advanced Simplicity Lessons - Taught by Bella- Go check it out.

HTR 101: While you may think this course is about about becoming a Hater it is actually the opposite. How to stop all the Haters from coming after yo' sh** homes! I will say this course will be filled up right away due to guest Professor Kevin Federline! Yes, he will be professing this class because if there's one man who knows how to stop the haters, it is this man. In fact the class will revolve around this quote, " This is for the haters,” Federline warns. “This is only for the haters." Popozao, my friends, Popozao.

BTHR 605: In this course men will learn what to do when they leave and are in the bathroom. Now while 605 may seem like an advanced class, it is not. It is only an elective. Through this class men will learn to put the toilet seat down (So women don't fall in. Yes men, they do fall in), hang the towel back on the rack, and put the shower curtain in the tub. This is all for the purpose of "getting some." Also taught is the right place to put the toothpaste and how not to pee all over the bathroom. Even if you're drunk.

HTGRL 101: Another course for men. In this class we figure out the right way to talk to a really hot girl that works in my building without sounding creepy. Err, I mean, our building. That's it. OUR building. It's a metaphor. For life. What's the right way, what's the wrong way. Everything will be covered. This class is only available pass/fail.

CHRSTN 401 - Christian Bale fans unite! Discussions will center on but not limited to

1. ) The greatness of Christian Bale
2.) Bale's best movie role
3.) If Bale is the best Batman
4.) Whether American Psycho was the greatest film of all time.

Any people in this class that obsess over Mr. Bale's looks will be expelled from the class. You have been warned. Field Trip to Bale's newest movie is included.

ANSWR 201 - In this course students learn the proper way to answer question such as, "Do I look fat in this, I thought you said there were 2 minutes left in this game, and Why is your fly always down?" Students will be faced with numerous questions and answer possibilities. The correct answer is vital in all of these situations. You know what I'm talking about.

"People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

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Amazing Race Rankings - Like I said, I watched the show with The Coug. She had some pretty interesting comments on the teams. I feel like all women always have interesting comments on everything. " Oh my God, Can you believe she's wearing that?" or "Are you listening to me?" Stuff like that. God, I 'm smart. Anyways, let's get to it a day late.

7. Shanifer - RS says - Thank goodness, thank you TV Gods that we don't have to watch these two anymore. I did like how they argued about the morality of using the U-Turn. Great quote,"I'm really good at counting." I have nothing to say about that.

The Coug says- How much do you think the short one's boobs cost? Their hardship is overcoming not getting manis and pedis? Ding Dong the bitches are dead.

6. Ronald and Christina- RS says- I moved them down a spot because I have no idea what Ronald is talking about. "We need to fossilize the information." What does that mean? Dig up old stuff? Look for dinosaurs? Can you imagine Ronald doing this himself? "Help me! Help me! I need to crystallize the assumptions that are encompassing the scenarios in my medulla oblongata." Shut up.

The Coug says- He looks like a muppet or is that a sesame street character? (ed. note: Can anyone help with that?) She's nice, too bad that's her dad.

5. Nathan and Jennifer- RS says- I know I moved them up one, but that's soley because I tune in every week to see what kind of meltdown they are going to have. This week they couldn't count. "Count inside your mouth!" Um, yeah. I did like how Nathan looked like he was about to punch out one of those Lithuanian dancers. Someone get this guy a Zen Buddhist book.

The Coug says - He just said Valnas,Lithana (ed. note: instead of Vilnius, Lithuania). He would be cute if he wasn't so dumb.

4. Azaria and Hendekea - RS says - Creep meter is down to a 6.5 for this week. Didn't see any hand holding, but he does get way too close to her face for me. I have nothing else to say about them.

The Coug says - I need to look up what these names mean. All I keep thinking of is Hank Azaria and Harry and the Hendersons.

3. TK and Rachel - RS says- Of course TK was all against using the U-Turn. "Karma, man, Karma." I did like how he found the only hippie in Lithuania to help him with the roadblock. Hippies unite! This team also owned the stilts. Is there a hippie circus?

The Coug says- How much do you think that Rachel girl weighs? I say 6o pounds.

2. Kynt and Vyxsin - RS says- I agree with Moooog35. Vyxsin would be cute, I think, without all that goth stuff going on. It's hard to tell really. Let's be honest Vyxsin is carrying this team. I expect if they win this thing she might propose to Kynt.

The Coug says - Is their outfit supposed to be Goth? I thought Goth people only dress in black and listen to Slayer. These guys look like they should be going to a Wham concert.

1. Nicolas and Donald- RS says- Nicolas is getting kind of annoying especially when he tells the travel agent not to help the other teams. "Haha, it's just a game." Grandpa brings it back though. "Hey, there's the Internet Buffet." Yes Internet Buffet, Donald, Internet Buffet.

The Coug Says- You like these two? I did like Gramps bandanna. All he needs is a motorcycle and a V8.

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Things Are Never Gonna Be Quite What You Want

First dates are always interesting. Well, not so much interesting as sometimes awkward. The Coug postponed our Saturday dalliance (I wanted to use that word today. Go me!) to Sunday because she forgot about a birthday party she had to go to. Apparently it was girls only, so I checked and yes I ,in fact, am a man.

So we decided to go out for early drinks on Sunday (think 7) and then see how it goes from there. Talking to her on the phone she kind of hinted at watching The Amazing Race at 8. I asked her to marry me. Ok, I didn't. But that was a pretty good impression for me. I like people that like the same things as me. The Amazing Race, monkeys, sour patch kids, and making fun of Dakota Fanning are definitely on the list. An intimidating list for sure, but for sure there are some women that like all four, I will keep telling myself that.

We drove to the bar separately for a couple of reasons.

1.) Throw up girl
2. ) To actually police myself on the drinking
3. ) If things went bad, I could high-tail it out of there.

Drinks went extremely well. I never know what to order for these things. A beer? Nah. Cosmo? Girly. Sex on the beach? Oh, yes. Oh, the drink. No, not so much. So I went Jack and Coke, I didn't know what to do. A little manly, but maybe not too much? I don't know. She ordered a Cap't and Coke. Ok, so now I felt good. We both like Coke. Pablo Escobar would be proud.

I was proud of myself for not bringing up Teddy Roosevelt's presidency or the Great Depression. I was very tempted to make jokes. Yes, I'm stupid.

Conversation was great so at 8 she asked, "Do you want to go watch the show back at my place?" Cha-Ching! We did it! USA! USA! I follow her back to her place. As expected a nice place for a The Coug to be living. Small house ,but very comfortable. Ended up watching the show and doing what grownups do. But before you get your minds in the gutter, it didn't go that far. We did make out, but that was it. Then I ran away.

Ok, I didn't run away, but we didn't go any further. That's why they call me "The Closer." Yeah, they don't. Boo.

Stay tuned.

Back later with The Amazing Race recap.

"2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. "

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